A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher
Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,
For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.
We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.
We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.
We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.
Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp,
or was that vice versa?
We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.
Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions
in the Land That Made Me, Me.
There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.
But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.
So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:
May 29, 1903 — July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill'.
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
until noon . Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring .... the referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, '
Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'.'
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have
the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got
cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat
if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," He informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. — Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'
He said 'No.'
Then they said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'
George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again..
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
Due to recent economic conditions and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off...
We apologize for any inconvenience.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at The White House. One is from Ohio, another from Tennessee, and the third, from Kentucky.
They all go...(with a White House official also present)... to examine the fence.
The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil....'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900 total...$400 for materials,...$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700 total.... $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Ohio contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers,'$2,700.'...The official, incredulous, whispers back,...You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'....The Ohio contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.... 'Done!' replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is often how it all works.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Pet Training 7.7.
Good luck,
Tech Support
How to simplify tax law:
Every April 15, lock all members of Congress in prison cells with tax forms and the tax code. Keep them there, without food or water, until they had completed their tax returns and successfully undergone a full IRS audit. Naturally, Mr. Barry says, "this system would probably result in a severe shortage of Congresspersons.... But there might also be some drawbacks." (The LPC Monthly)
This is ascribed to David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics University of Georgia
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
When my daughter, Katie, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Katie would say, "And all girls."
As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and asked her,
"Katie, Why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother.
He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do either one!!!"
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'
She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me 'what in the world I do all day?'
'Yes,' was his Incredulous reply. She answered,
'Well, today I didn't do it.
I was talking to the daughter of a friend, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing
you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people'
'Wow — what a worthy goal' I told her, 'you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow my lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house'
She thought that over for a few seconds ... 'cause she's only 6'. While her mom glared at me, the little girl looked at me and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her folks still aren't talking to me.
There was a young fisher named Fischer,
Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
The fish with a grin
Pulled the fishman in
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fischer.
'Whatever you give a woman will multiply.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So, fair warning...don't give her any crap!
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. _____
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!! _____
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. _____
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too. _____
THURSDAY:
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. _____
FRIDAY:
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? _____
SATURDAY:
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. _____
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States , and said:
Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark beforeI will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
I needed a building permit.
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
To clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
To put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?
'No,' said the Lord.
'The government beat me to it.
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table .
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything .....
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers"
And "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
What a Difference 30 Years Makes!
1998 : Long hair
2008 : Longing for hair
1998 : KEG
2008 : EKG
1998 : Acid rock
2008 : Acid reflux
1998 : Moving to California because it's cool
2008 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1998 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2008 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1998 : Seeds and stems
2008 : Roughage
1998 : Hoping for a BMW
2008 : Hoping for a BM
1998 : Going to a new, hip joint
2008 : Receiving a new hip joint
1998 : Rolling Stones
2008 : Kidney Stones
1998 : Screw the system
2008 : Upgrade the system
1998 : Disco
2008 : Costco
1998 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2008 : Children begging you to get their heads Shaved
1998 : Passing the drivers' test
2008 : Passing the vision test
1998 : Whatever
2008 : Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
Bring back any memories?
Michael: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.
Sam Weber: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.
Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,
"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."
When in England at the World Economic Forum, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.
It became very quiet in the room.
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.... We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
Once again, dead silence.
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys ."
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say to Him," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"O God, why on earth did I have to invite all these people to dinner on a hot day like this?"
All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions :
Why did God make mothers?
How did God make mothers?
What ingredients are mothers made of?
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
What kind of little girl was your mom?
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
Who's the boss at your house?
What's the difference between moms & dads?
What does your mom do in her spare time?
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
If you could Change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat ws dead?" she asked him. "Beause I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," expalined the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out."
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommny has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE :
Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
But the most compelling evidence of all — 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
OUR QUILT
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
After being married for 34 years, I took a careful look at my wife and said, "Honey, 34 years ago we had a chep apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old gal.
Now I have a $700,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed, and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. she told me to go out and find a hot 20-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
The sun rises, the sun sets
The seasons change
Rivers flow
Leaves fall
It's raining somewhere
Spiders make webs
Fish eat each other
Babies are born
Stars are born
People and stars get old
Then stop getting old
All this happens and more
Day after day after day
At no time am I consulted
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 2002 22:03:50 -0700
From: "Toni M Loomis, Jr."
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandma replied:
"Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees, and the pill.
There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.
Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. I called adult 'Sir' or 'Ma'am' We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends — not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. " Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap....
So how old do you think I am ???....
I am 58 years old!
Thu, 24 Oct 2002 12:08:23 -0700
You are clearly the weakest link.
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, ... you know you're from California if:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
In light of the above, the UN has opened debate on whether up their posture from talking about it to thinking about it.
It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command forces, and our most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers! In fact, I have discovered that by reading newspapers that these editor/geniuses plainly saw all my strategic defects from the start, yet failed to inform me until it was too late.
Accordingly, I'm readily willing to yield my command to the obviously superior intellects, and I'll, in turn, do my best for the Cause of Writing Editorials — after the fact. (Robert E. Lee, 1863)
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
Now think about this:
Guns:
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!
I, Maxine, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers, doctors interested in simply running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: Glass of wine, chocolate, Margarita, chocolate, Martini, Cold Beer, chocolate, Chicken fried steak, cream gravy, chocolate, Mexican food, chocolate, French fries, chocolate, Pizza, chocolate, ice cream, cup of tea, chocolate, Chocolate, Sex, or Chocolate, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but I've even done it myself a couple times...
(Sure wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!)
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's beautician....
A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Tax his land,
Tax his tractor,
Tax his cow,
Tax his ties,
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his cigars,
Tax his car,
Tax all he has
When he screams and hollers,
Then tax his coffin,
Put these words
When he's gone,
COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?
And I still have to "press 1" for English
The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being — which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Try Doing This...
Words of Wisdom: "Support the country you live in... or live in the country you support" 1. Men ARE not mind readers.
Why was that gauge used?
Why did the English build them like that?
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
So who built those old rutted roads?
And the ruts in the roads?
So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story...
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important ??
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other, we both took cover in the ditches alongside the road".
I yelled to him that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag", and he yelled back that "Senator Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk.."
So I said that "Osama bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by saying "Oh Yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton."
"We were standing there in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the Bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1905:
And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. It staggers the mind!
In 1850 California became a state. Do you know what California was like back in 1850?
So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts.
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and T-shirt messages.
I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how t o balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.
I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time summer and evenings at my own expense toward advance certification and a master's degree; and after school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my employment status.
I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and to my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student. I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent
to jail for not mentioning these suspicions.
I am to make sure all students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. Plus, I am expected to make sure that all of the students with handicaps are guaranteed a free and equal education, regardless of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter and grade card.
I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile, all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all? And you want me to do all of this and expect me...
NOT TO PRAY?
Carolyn's note: Whether prayers are whispered silently,only for the ears of God or shouted from the rooftops, I know that the best teachers always surround themselves in prayer before they ever take on such great responsibilities. I applaud all teachers. There is no job more noble than theirs.
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittn'.
Cedillas, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin'.
We're a funny people
I love to laugh, it makes me cry.
My sisters three, we laugh like that
We sit and laugh until we shake
The tears run down, we gasp for breath.
If you think that this sounds funny,
Fae Noel
Essential addition for the workplace...
First — Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
This was my favorite of all the answers, it came from a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to their neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
And all this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.
End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your Devoted Fan,
Jim
On Women's Accessories (for a game):
North: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
On Their Stadium Size:
North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
On Fathers:
North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
On Campus Decor:
North: Statues of founding fathers.
On Their Homecoming Queen:
North: Also a physics major.
On Heroes:
North: Rudy Guliani
On Getting Tickets:
North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office and purchase tickets.
On Friday Classes after Thursday Night's Game:
North: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
On Parking:
North: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
On Game Day:
North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPNon TV.
On Tailgating:
North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
On Getting to the Stadium:
North: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
On Concessions:
North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
On When the National Anthem is Played:
North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
On the Scent in the Air After the First Home Team Scores:
North: Nothing changes.
On the Commentary (Male):
North: "Nice play."
On the Commentary (Female):
North: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
The Announcers:
North: Neutral and paid.
and After the Game:
North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
I may be dumb, but the guys who wrote these product warning signs....
Now you know everything....
One night during dinner Rae and I were watching some old game show bloopers. A contestant — a blonde gal — was asked by the emcee whether her husband would say he was rural or urban.
So who knows what was going through the poor woman's mind? But it really was hilarious. (And she was being serious as a judge, even though the crowd was dying, of course.)
The Pope is visiting the White House and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on "The Sequoia," the presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
This one gets the blue ribbon: as Shakespeare put it, "There is more truth said in jest than in truth" (just check the news media)!
The difference between the Liberal and Conservative "debate" over the War on Terrorism:
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Conservative Answer:
Texan's Answer:
A letter home from a Marine with the multinational force in Bosnia...
A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.
Forcrist's
Homepage
From: "Alan Eft"
I think that this might have circulated before. But it didn't help me, I still got all the questions wrong.
Alan
A little something to ponder.... Are you the weakest link????
OK. Pay close attention. Here is a very simple little test comprised of four easy questions to determine the level of your intellect. See if you have what it takes to be considered "smart."
Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting of time. And no cheating!
On your mark, get set, go....
Answer: If you answered that you're now in first, you're wrong! You overtook the second runner and took his place, therefore you are now in second place. For the next question try not to be so dim.
Answer: If you answered second to last, you are wrong once again. Think about it... How can you overtake the person who is last? If you're behind them, they can't be last. You would have been last. It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points.
Anyway, here's another question to try. Don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember, your replies must be instantaneous.
Answer: 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with good calculator. Today is clearly not your day, although you should manage to get the last question right...
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name? Think quickly...you'll find the answer below....
Answer: Chuchu? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly.
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
"To expedite your visit please back in."
"We repair what your husband fixed."
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
"Invite us to your next blowout."
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
"Let us remove your shorts."
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
"Push. Push. Push."
"If you don't see what you 're looking for, you've come to the right place."
"We really know our stuff."
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
"The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment."
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
"Thank heaven for little grills."
"Best place in town to take a leak."
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians Per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services.
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your Collar."
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt....
This one is real, though, and it's important...I've checked it out at www.snopes.com.
So please, send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.
Should someone come to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked!!!
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.
Tax his beers,
If he cries, then
Tax his tears.
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.
upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me
to my doom..."
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon & more)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Sobering statistics for anyone who is (or wants to be) an author.
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No"
... and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.
The End
While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Good luck! Because it will never happen. It will not happen in Mexico or any other country in the world, except right here in the United States...Land of the naive!
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem.. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
Or golf.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did Not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her Dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed Her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer,
See answer below]
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
(That's why it's call "fur"niture.)
they don't ask for money all the time
they are easier to train
they usually come when called
they don't hang out with drug-using friends
they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and -
if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE (this is a doozy)
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
A week later Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer gently told her mother, "Dad's new wife bought the exact same dress for the wedding." Hearing that her mother graciously said, "Never mind, Sweetheart. I'll just get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later they went shopping together and the mother did indeed find another gorgeous dress.
During their break for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Mom, are you going to return the other dress? After all, you really don't have another occasion to attend when you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do dear, I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
(Hardly seems worth it.)
(Now that's more like it!)
(O.M.G.!)
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
(Something I always wanted to know.)
(Hmmmmmm....)
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
(I know some people like that.)
(I know some people like that too.)
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
(What about that pig??)
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string.
These are a few of my favorite things.
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts, and porches with swings.
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
Then I remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.
No spicy hot food nor food cook'd with onions
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring.
These are a few of my favorite things.
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'.
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames
When wwe remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim.
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
From our heads down to our toes.
Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry.
It's our nature, I suppose.
Now isn't that on odd one?
To laugh so hard your stomach aches
Would anyone call that fun?
Whenere we get together.
Some little thing will set us off.
It could be just the weather.
You'd think that we'd gone crazy.
Our voices crack, words will not come
The brains we have are hazy.
It's such a funny feeling.
You'd laugh to see us in this state.
The world around seems reeling.
Try it out yourself some day.
Get together with those you love,
Laugh and cry your blues away.
5/22/82
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the same thing happens.
Second — The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third — Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth — When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth — You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth — I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh — One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth — One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth — Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth — If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Rebecca — age 8
Billy — age 4
Kari — age 5
Chrissy — age 6
Terri — age 4
Danny — age 7
Emily — age 8
Bobby — age 7 (Wow!)
Nilla — age 6
Noelle — age 7
Tommy — age 6
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
Cindy — age 8
Clare — age 6
Elaine — age 5
Chris — age 7
Mary Ann — age 4
Karen — age 7
Jessica — age 8
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!" And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father.
"So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
And the pick of the literature:
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as anobservant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. Thefollowing is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S. resident, whichwas posted on the Internet. It's informative:
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
(the shoplifter special)?
(and that would be how???....)
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
(...and you thought????...)
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
(as opposed to...what)?
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
(talk about a news flash)
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
(Oh my God ...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary — that's what dates are for.
South: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
South: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
South: Also Miss America.
South: Paul "Bear" Bryant
South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because why on earth would anyone schedule a class after the game.
South: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Hootie and the Blowfish," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
South: When you're near it, you'll hear it.On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
South: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs."
South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs."
South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.
"The medical director learned of Mary's heroic act. He immediately wrote orders for her discharge from the hospital. He considered her mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news. He said,
"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to be discharged.
"You jumped into the pool and saved the life of another patient. I believe you've regained your full mental capacity and are able to function normally in society.
"Here are your discharge papers.
"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved,hung himself in the bathroom with the belt to his bathrobe.
"I am so sorry, but he's dead."
"Mary replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...)
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
The preacher's wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would
his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is
an act of God!" Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a
little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are
also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
George Bush
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Al Gore
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Bill Gates
I have just released chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook — and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of chicken.
Dr. Sues
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain. Alone.
Grandpa
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Ralph Nader
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV
Jerry Seinfield
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Rush Limbaugh
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Jerry Falwell
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
Aristotle
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Voltaire
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Captain Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Albert Einstein
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Sigmund Freud
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity
L.A.P.D.
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS: Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
The FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURALLY: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY:Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use for two people remembering the same thing.
The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.
"I don't even know what that means," the confused woman said.
"Well," the emcee said, "You've lived with this guy. Would he say he was rural or urban."
"He would say, 'urban.'" the woman said.
The emcee (for whatever reason) asked, "How long has he been urban?"
The woman said, "For about two months."
"Well," the emcee asked, "Is he doing anything about it?"
"Well," the woman said, "He went to a doctor."
Of course the emcee was confused. "Did the doctor give him anything for it?"
"No. But he gave me something."
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story with front page photos of the event. The banner headline reads, "Bush Can't Swim."
Date: Wednesday, 19 March 2003
From: "awollett"
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Could he use the money I was selfishly planning on spending on our dinner tonight?
Have I or my ancestors ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?
What do I need to say to reason with this clearly distressed man? Could we run away?
Would it make me a "gender-racist" to make this decision unilaterally without input from my wife?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
Am I placing my value system on him... am I profiling him or "pre-judging" his intent to harm us?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends down at Starbucks over a cherry latte to try to come to a conclusion.
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (Sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"Dear Dad,
A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia):
A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.
I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface, again, at some point in the near future anyway. I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of faggots for soldiers. I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.
He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.
He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff. With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Dad, tell Mom I love her,
Your loving daughter, Mary Beth
( Johnson, Lt. Col., USMC)
It pays no attention to criticism.
When goofs pop off the page, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version:
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." (Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest)
Created by Don Huntington (don.huntington@gmail.com)
last modified:
Mon, July 9, 2007