Dr. Don's Fan Page

Three writings by Dr. Don: ReflectionsDaily SnippetsHow to Get Along With Anybody

Plus four collections: QuotesDevotional BitsGood 'UnsFavorite Bible Texts


Dr. Don's Collection of "Good 'Uns"

  1. Proofreading is a dying art

    News headlines:

    • "Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter"
           Who wrote this?
    • "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says "
           Really? Ya think?
    • "Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
           Now that's taking things a bit far!
    • "Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
           What a guy!
    • "Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
           Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
    • "Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
           See if that works any better than a fair trial!
    • "War Dims Hope for Peace"
           I can see where it might have that effect!
    • "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"
           Ya think?!
    • "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
           Who would have thought!
    • "Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
           They may be on to something!
    • "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
           You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
    • "Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge"
           He probably IS the battery charge!
    • "New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
           Weren't they fat enough?!
    • "Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
           That's what he gets for eating those beans!
    • "Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
           Do they taste like chicken?
    • "Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
           Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
    • "Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
           Boy, are they tall!

    And the winner is....
         "Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead" "
              Did I read that right?
     

  2. Good Advice About Voting:
     
    • The U.S. is 240 years old. No wonder we have difficulty achieving and maintaining an election. (Rick Aaron)
    • In the last election, 95 million people took time off from work to vote, and 60 million of them did. (Anonymous)
    • In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. (Mogens Jallberg)
       
  3. What would Jesus do?

    We don't claim to know what Jesus would say if he were here today. But we suspect he might set the record straight on his words getting taken out of context. Here are just a few things Jesus never said:

    • He never got specific on his return date. (So please put those billboards away.)
    • He never proclaimed himself a Republican, Democrat, socialist, or member of The Rent Is Too Damn High Party.
    • He never declared any of the following a sin: same-sex marriage, immigration, Obamacare, Harry Potter books, animal rights or any of Miley Cyrus' VMA outfits.
    • He never took a stand on "Merry Christmas" vs. "Happy Holidays."
    • He never declared his preference for a sports team, or implied that he might care about the outcome of a game.
       
  4. Men Are Just Happier People — What do you expect from such simple creatures?
     
    • Your last name stays put.
    • The garage is all yours.
    • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    • Chocolate is just another snack.
    • You can be President.
    • You can never be pregnant.
    • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    • You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
    • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    • The world is your urinal.
    • You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
    • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    • Same work, more pay.
    • Wrinkles add character.
    • Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
    • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
    • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    • One mood all the time.
    • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    • You know stuff about tanks.
    • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    • You can open all your own jars.
    • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    • If someone forgets to invite you,
    • He or she can still be your friend.
    • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
    • You almost never have strap problems in public.
    • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    • Everything on your face stays its original color.
    • The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
    • You only have to shave your face and neck.
    • You can play with toys all your life.
    • One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
    • You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
    • You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
    • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

     
  5. More Reasons Why Men Are Just Happier People
    NICKNAMES
    If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
    If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
    EATING OUT
    When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
    MONEY
    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
    BATHROOMS
    A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
    ARGUMENTS
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    THE FUTURE
    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    MARRIAGE
    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
    DRESSING UP
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
    A FINAL NOTE
    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  6. Thoughtful Boat Names
    • Full Of Seamen
    • Ship For Brains
    • Seas The Day
    • Marlin Monroe
    • Pier Pressure
    • The Codfather
    • Dijabringabeeralong
    • Moore Often Than Knot
    • Cambell's Sloop
    • Boobie Bouncer
    • Aquaholic
    • She Got The House
    • Nauti-Buoy

     
  7. English Lesson

    heteronym (HET-uhr-uh-nim) noun
    A word that has the same spelling as another word but with a different pronunciation and meaning.
         Listen, readers, toward me bow.
         Be friendly; do not draw the bow.
         Please don't try to start a row.
         Sit peacefully, all in a row.
         Don't act like a big, fat sow.
         Do not the seeds of discord sow.
     

    capitonym (KAP-i-toh-NIM) noun
    A word that changes pronunciation and meaning when it is capitalized.
         Job's Job
              In August, an august patriarch
              Was reading an ad in Reading, Mass.
              Long-suffering Job secured a job
              To polish piles of Polish brass.
         Herb's Herbs
              An herb store owner, name of Herb,
              Moved to a rainier Mount Rainier.
              It would have been so nice in Nice,
              And even tangier in Tangier.
     

  8. The Blonde Man Has Finally Arrived

    The Blonde Man Has Finally Arrived

    A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
    He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

    A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her Contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
    "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

    A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
    "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
    "The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
    "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

    An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

    A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

    Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
    One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

  9. In Praise of Beer

    Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
    (Attributed to Babe Ruth but probably uttered by American humorist Jack Handey.) Way too many words for the Babe.

    I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. (Lyndon B. Johnson)

    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Benjamin Franklin)

    Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)

    Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.! (W. C. Fields)

    One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

    Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this....
    A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
  10. Do You Know Your Hymns?

    Dentist's Hymn — Crown Him with Many Crowns
    Weatherman's Hymn — There Shall Be Showers of Blessing
    Contractor's Hymn — The Church's One Foundation
    The Tailor's Hymn — Holy, Holy, Holy
    The Golfer's Hymn — There's a Green Hill Far Away
    The Politician's Hymn — Standing on the Promises!
    Optometrist's Hymn — Open My Eyes That I Might See
    The Tax Man's/Woman’s Hymn — I Surrender All
    The Gossip's Hymn — Pass It On
    The Electrician's Hymn — Send The Light
    The Shopper's Hymn — Sweet Bye and Bye
    The Realtor's Hymn — I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
    The Massage Therapists Hymn — He Touched Me
    The Doctor's Hymn — The Great Physician

  11. Dear Dr. Laura:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

    1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord — Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness — Lev.15:19— 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
    4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
    5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath.. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination — Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? — Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your devoted fan, Jim.

  12. The Fainting Pharmacist

    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

    Arlene: What in the hell is that?

    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

    Arlene: Where did you get it?

    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

    The pharmacist fainted.

  13. The Nun & the Cabbie

    A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

    He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

    She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that…
    "You have to be single and you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

    The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

  14. I Was Just Thinking...
     
    1. Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!!!
    2. I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
    3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
    4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
    5. Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
    6. I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
    7. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
    8. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
    9. I don't trip over things; I do random gravity checks!
    10. The biggest lie I tell myself is: "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
    11. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
    12. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
    13. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
    14. Old age is coming at a really bad time!
    15. Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
    16. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
    17. At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

     
  15. Sarcasm for the day ...

    1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
    2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
    3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
    4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
    5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
      That's common sense leaving your body.
    6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
    7. I didn't make it to the gym today.
      That makes five years in a row.
    8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim." I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
    9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.
      If you find one, what's your plan?
    10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

     
  16. The Epstein Fart

    Dr Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and then left for Manhattan, NY.

    Soon, he was invited to give a speech in his home town. As he placed his papers on the lectern, they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room.

    He was embarrassed, but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

    Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness.

    The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr Levy?"

    Dr Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, but then I moved away."

    "Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

    "I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened, and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

    The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident, too."

    Dr Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

    "Was it a long time ago?"

    "Yes, many years."

    The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"

  17. No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

    A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

    First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

    His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

    The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

  18. Wheeling and Dealing Pope

    The people at Starbucks managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

    The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

    "Well," says the Starbucks man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

    "My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."

    The Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer: We will donate $500 million — that's half a billion dollars — to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.

    The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.

    "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

    "We're losing the Wonder Bread account."

  19. Honestly — I Love You

    A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

    All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

    Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

    The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

    The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response. Below are 12 replies; some are hilarious.

    1. Who the hell is this?
    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
    3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you?
    4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
    5. I don't understand what you mean?
    6. What the heck did you do now?
    7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
    8. Am I dreaming?
    9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
    10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
    11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she? )

    If you have been married for quite a while....a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
     

  20. Resurrection?

    While the priest was presenting a children's sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

    In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand. The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

    It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue."

  21. Meaningless Information (But Cool)

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
        (Hardly seems worth it.)

    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
        (Now that's more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
        (I've had it happen to me, more impressive on blood thinners!)

    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
        (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
        (I'm still not over the pig.)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
        (Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
        (Honey, I'm home. What the...?)

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
        (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
        (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
        (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

    Butterflies taste with their feet.
        (Something I always wanted to know.)

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
        (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
        (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

    A cat's urine glows under a black light.
        (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
        (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish have no brains.
        (I know some people like that, too.)

    Polar bears are left-handed.
        (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
        (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

    Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
        (And God love that pig!)

  22. The Way To Live

    If you can start the day without caffeine,
    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
    If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
    If you can conquer tension without medical help,
    If you can relax without alcohol,
    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs

    then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
    And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ...

    Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
    If you can't eat it or play with it then pee on it and walk away.

  23. Darn Cuckoo!

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

    Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

    Quickly, realizing the wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when drunk as a skunk…. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'. She didn't seem p****d off in the least.

    Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

    When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh s**t,' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

  24. Girls: Wait For Your Boaz

    To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: 'Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz.' While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothin-az, Lazy-az, and especially his third cousin, Beatinyo-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yoaz."

  25. Moonlighting

    A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

    For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

    In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's' bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

    He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

    The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

    'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

    'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

  26. 10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand.
    ( Who Says Engineers Don't Have A Sense Of Humor?)
     
    1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
      Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
       
    2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
      To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
      To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
       
    3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
           The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
           The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
           He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
           The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
           The group fell silent for a moment.
           The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
           The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
           The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
       
    4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
      Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
       
    5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
      The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
      The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
      The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
       
    6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
           One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
           Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
           The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
       
    7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)
       
    8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
           The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
           The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
       
    9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
      he frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
           Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
           Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
           The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
       
    10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
           "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

     
  27. Don't Mess With Old People

    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

    I keep telling you!

    Don't Mess with Old People.

  28. What is Celibacy?

    Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

    While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. "

    He then addressed the men. "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

    Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"

    And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
     

  29. It Works!

    Dear All

    I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start.

    Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.

    I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

    Send this to all ur freineds who need inner piss. An telum u luvum
     

  30. A Perfect Squelch (Steve Stewart)

    Years ago, while speaking at a breakout session in a national convention, I was interrupted three times by someone in the audience who discounted whatever I had just said by offering, "Well, HERE is how 'we' (by which he meant 'him') do that in Nebraska." He was undermining a carefully planned presentation I'd been honing around the country during the previous few months.

    I had come a long way to get there and couldn't allow this to continue. So I curtailed his third attempt. "Thank you for that," I told him. And then to the audience, "I've just checked the schedule and I see that you and I have this room until 11:30 and no one is scheduled in here again until 1:30. So those of you who would like, are welcome to stay here in this room after my program to catch this gentleman's seminar."

    He looked confused and asked, "What seminar?"

    I said, "the one you keep trying to present in the middle of MY time."
     

  31. Radical Jesus (John Fugelsang)

    Jesus was a guy who was a peaceful, radical, nonviolent revolutionary, who hung around with lepers, hookers, and criminals, who never spoke English, was not an American citizen, a man who was anti-capitalism, anti-wealth, anti-public prayer, anti-death penalty but never once remotely anti-gay, didn't mention abortion, didn't mention premarital sex, a man who never justified torture, who never called the poor 'lazy', who never asked a leper for a co-pay, who never fought for tax cuts for the wealthiest Nazarenes, who was a long haired, brown skinned, homeless, middle eastern Jew.

    Of course, that's only if you believe what's actually IN the Bible.

  32. We're Getting Better

    But many who heard the message believed; so the number of men who believed grew to about five thousand. (Acts 4:4 NIV) ...nobody counted the men
    "How many people where in church today?"
    "Five hundred men."
    "How many women?"
    "Why would we count the women?"

  33. Pulling the Plug

    A man was sitting in the living room and said to his kids, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug," he commanded them.

    So they got up, unplugged the computer and threw out his wine.

  34. Poor Santa!

    I'm sending this card to tell you
         That taxes have taken away

    The things that I really needed —
         My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh,

    Now I'm making my rounds on a jackass,
         He's old, he's crippled, he's slow,

    So you'll know if I don't see you at Xmas,
         It's cause I'm out on my ass in the snow.
     

  35. Ten Ponderisms
     
    1. Why eat natural foods when most people die of natural causes?
       
    2. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
       
    3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
       
    4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
       
    5. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
       
    6. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
       
    7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?
      Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? ...
       
    8. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
       
    9. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
       
    10. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

     
  36. So That's Where Brilliance Comes From....

    An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

    Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

    "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

    "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

    The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

    The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says

    "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

    Moral of this story:
    Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  37. Just Poke a Hole

    Sixty-five years ago an elderly lady from Wisconsin, who had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, sent in the following entry for a slogan contest. The slogan had to begin with the words 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

    She didn't win but the president of the company sent her a check for $1,000 and hung her entry in his office.

    Carnation milk is best of all
         No tits to pull, no hay to haul
    No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch
         Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.
  38. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
     
    1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
    2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
    3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
    4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
    5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
    6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
    7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
    8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
    9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
    12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
    14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
    15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
    16. It's not hard to meet expenses.... They're everywhere.
    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
    18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
    19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
    20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE.................??

     
  39. Roger and Elaine: A Love Story
    By Dave Barry

    Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

    And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

    And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

    And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

    And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ....February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

    And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

    And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

    And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

    And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90— day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

    And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

    And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ....

    "Roger," Elaine says aloud.

    "What?" says Roger, startled.

    "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I feel so . .... "

    (She breaks down, sobbing.)

    "What?" says Roger.

    "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

    "There's no horse?" says Roger.

    "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

    "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

    "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

    (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

    "Yes," he says.

    (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

    "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

    "What way?" says Roger.

    "That way about time," says Elaine.

    "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

    (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

    "Thank you, Roger," she says.

    "Thank you," says Roger.

    Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

    The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

    Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

    "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

  40. What the "Bleep" Do We Know

    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

    "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

    "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff — grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

    And then she went back to reading her book.

  41. Older Than Dirt Quiz:

    Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
    Ratings at the bottom.

    1. Blackjack chewing gum
    2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
    3. Candy cigarettes
    4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
    5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
    6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
    7. Party lines on the telephone
    8. Newsreels before the movie
    9. P.F. Flyers
    10. Butch wax
    11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels... [if you were fortunate])
    12. Peashooters
    13. Howdy Doody
    14. 45 RPM records
    15. S& H green stamps
    16. Hi-fi's
    17. Metal ice trays with lever
    18. Mimeograph paper
    19. Blue flashbulb
    20. Packards
    21. Roller skate keys
    22. Cork popguns
    23. Drive-ins
    24. Studebakers
    25. Wash tub wringers
    If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
    If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
    If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,

    If you remembered 16-25 = You' re older than dirt!

  42. Don't Ya Hate When That Happens?

    I was in the bar yesterday when I suddenly realized that I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really, loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

  43. What Causes Arthritis?

    A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." Then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

    MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

  44. Ain't It the Truth?

    "Congratulations! Fantastic! You go, baby! I'm so happy for you. No one deserves it more. I love you so much."

    That's what people say, Donald, after a really big dream comes true for a dear friend of theirs.

    Know what they often say beforehand? "You should be happy with what you have. Don't forget to smell the roses. It's all about you. No one ever died wishing they spent more time working."

    When you love something enough, Donald, work becomes play, perspiration becomes inspiration, and it doesn't matter what others may say. (Mike Dooley)

  45. New Medicare Program — Part X

    You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?

    Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

    Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

    Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

    As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

    And who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

    And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

    Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

    Is this a great country or what?

  46. Killer Doctors

    The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. Ratio of Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

    Now think about this: The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that's 80 million. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. The ratio of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188. Statistics courtesy of FBI.

    So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

    FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!! Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

    Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

  47. What's Up With That?

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem NASA spent a decade and $1 billion to develop a pen that works in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, and almost on any surface including glass and at a temperature ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

    The Russians used a pencil.

  48. Put Me In Charge

    I don't care who wrote it or when, except for their not making provisions for the truly disabled, it sounds like this is a path to recovery.

    This was written by a 21 yr old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion.

    This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco, TX, Nov 18, 2011


    Put me in charge of food stamps. I'd get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

    Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I'd do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal legations. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, or smoke, then get a job.

    Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your home will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

    In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good."

    Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

    If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

    AND While you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.


     
  49. The Ridiculous English Language

    Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
    Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
    If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
    Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
    Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
    Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"when we are already there?
    Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
    Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
    Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
    Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
    Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
    Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
    If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
     

  50. Four worms and a lesson to be learned

         A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
         Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
         The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
         The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
         The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
         The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
         At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
         The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.
         The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.
         The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.
         The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .
         So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
         Maxine was sitting in the back of the church and quickly raised her hand and said,
         "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
         That pretty much ended the service !!
     

  51. What she does

    A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog

    Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

    He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

    As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

    She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went.

    He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

    She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day...?

    "Yes," was his incredulous reply..

    She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

  52. A likely story

    A man accuses his neighbor of having broken his power saw.

    "It wasn't me," the neighbor said. "It was already broken when I got it. Besides, it was working fine when I returned it. And I never borrowed it in the first place."

  53. We are the 99%
    • We are not against the rich.
      We are against using wealth to gain an unfair advantage.
    • We are not against corporations.
      We are against corporations governing us.
    • We are not against capitalism.
      We are against corruption in capitalism.
    • We are not against banks.
      We are against fraudulent banking practices.
    • We are not against investment markets.
      We are against legalized fraud in the markets.
    • We are not against democracy.
      We are against the sale of influence by our elected representatives.

     
  54. Escaping an Unpleasant Passenger

         A 50— something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man.
         Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man."
         The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."
         After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."
         About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."
         Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."
         Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.
     

  55. I Hate Love! Rose Walker

    Have you even been in love?

    Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.

    You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life....

    You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

    Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

    It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

    I hate love!

  56. Old Butch

    John was in the fertilized egg business.

    He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

    Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

    When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

    John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

    Vote carefully this fall, the bells are not always audible.

  57. Funny word definitions:
    Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
    Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
    Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
    Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
    Giraffiti (n), Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    Hipatitis (n), Terminal coolness.
     
  58. English Pronunciation
    By G. Nolst Trenite

    Dearest creature in creation,
    Study English pronunciation.
    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
    I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
    Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
    Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
    So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
    Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
    Dies and diet, lord and word,
    Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
    (Mind the latter, how it's written.)
    Now I surely will not plague you
    With such words as plaque and ague.
    But be careful how you speak:
    Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
    Cloven, oven, how and low,
    Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
    Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
    Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
    Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
    Exiles, similes, and reviles;
    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war and far;
    One, anemone, Balmoral,
    Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
    Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
    Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
    Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
    Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
    Blood and flood are not like food,
    Nor is mould like should and would.
    Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
    Toward, to forward, to reward.
    And your pronunciation's OK
    When you correctly say croquet,
    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
    Friend and fiend, alive and live.
    Ivy, privy, famous; clamor
    And enamor rhyme with hammer.
    River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
    Doll and roll and some and home.
    Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
    Neither does devour with clangour.
    Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
    Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
    Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
    And then singer, ginger, linger,
    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
    Query does not rhyme with very,
    Nor does fury sound like bury.
    Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
    Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
    Though the differences seem little,
    We say actual but victual.
    Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
    Or zephyr, heifer.
    Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
    Dull, bull, and George ate late.
    Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
    Science, conscience, scientific.
    Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
    Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
    We say hallowed, but allowed,
    People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
    Mark the differences, moreover,
    Between mover, cover, clover;
    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
    Chalice, but police and lice;
    Camel, constable, unstable,
    Principle, disciple, label.
    Petal, panel, and canal,
    Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
    Senator, spectator, mayor.
    Tour, but our and succour, four.
    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
    Sea, idea, Korea, area,
    Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
    Compare alien with Italian,
    Dandelion and battalion.
    Sally with ally, yea, ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
    Say aver, but ever, fever,
    Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
    Heron, granary, canary.
    Crevice and device and aerie.
    Face, but preface, not efface.
    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
    Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
    Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
    Ear, but earn and wear and tear
    Do not rhyme with here but ere.
    Seven is right, but so is even,
    Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
    Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
    Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
    Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
    Is a paling stout and spikey?
    Won't it make you lose your wits,
    Writing groats and saying grits?
    It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
    Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
    Islington and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.
    Finally, which rhymes with enough,
    Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
    Hiccough has the sound of cup.
    My advice is to give up!!!

  59. Please tell me that this won't happen to us!

    Supersize

    A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

    Romance

    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

    "To get my bloody teeth!"

    Down At The Retirement Center

    80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

    Senior Driving

    As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of the buggers !"

    Driving

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

    Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

  60. A Seminar On Making Marriage Work

    At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole Westrum, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    "Vell," Ole replied to the assembled husbands, "I've tried to treat her nice, spend DA money on her, but best of all, I took her to Norvay for DA 20th anniversary!"

    The Pastor responded, "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50th Anniversary."

    Ole proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go get her!"

  61. The 'Green Thing' in perspective:

    At a store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

    The woman apologized saying, "We didn't have the 'green thing' back in my day.

    Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

    We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

    Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts — wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

    Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house — not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

    We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

    Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint."

  62. A few things that our children and grandchildren are not learning in school...and too many 'adults' have forgotten!

    JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when De Gaulle decided to pull out of NATO. De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

    Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"

    De Gaulle did not respond.

    You could have heard a pin drop.


    When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush.

    He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."

    You could have heard a pin drop.


    There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?

    He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

    A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"

    You could have heard a pin drop.


    A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

    Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

    You could have heard a pin drop.


    AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE... Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

    "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible... Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." You could have heard a pin drop.

  63. Retardment
    After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
    We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona.
         Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
         They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because they don't know who they are anymore.
         They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
         There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
         At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
         Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
         The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
         My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
         When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

     
  64. Paraprosdokian
    A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
    • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
    • The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
    • If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
    • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
    • War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
    • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    • Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
    • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, To steal from many is research.
    • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
    • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
    • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
    • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
    • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
    • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
    • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 51 for Miss America?
    • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
    • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
    • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
    • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
    • I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
    • I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
    • You're never too old to learn something stupid.
    • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
    • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
    • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
    • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

     
  65. The economy is so bad that...
    I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
    CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
    Exxon-Mobile laid off 25 Congressmen.
    Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
    Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
    A picture is now only worth 100 words.
    They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street."
    I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...
     
  66. Dangerous Ice

    Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth..... Apparently ice is lethal!!!
    Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!!

  67. A Cardiologist's Funeral

    A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

    The priest fainted.

  68. It Was A Good Idea, For All He Could See

    Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

    Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

    Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

    Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

    By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye.

  69. English is Weird

    Can you read these right the first time?

    1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
    2. The farm was used to produce produce.
    3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
    5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
    9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    10. I did not object to the object.
    11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    13. They were too close to the door to close it.
    14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    Let's face it — English is a crazy language.

    There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

    PS. — Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

    You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

    There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

    It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

    We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

    And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

    We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

    When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

    When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

    One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,for now my time is UP, so............ Time to shut UP.....!

  70. About Those Arses

    There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arses...The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their arse is too fat. 10% of women think their arse is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and wouldn't trade him for the world.

  71. Very Important Person

    Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

    'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

    The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'

    Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off Down the highway. A short distance away Sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

    The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

    The trooper pulled out And easily caught the limo And he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door And when the glass Was rolled down, He was surprised to see Who was driving.

    He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

    He told the supervisor,

    'I know we are supposed To enforce the law.... But I also know that Important people are Given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a Very important person.'

    The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'

    The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'

    The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'

    The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'

    The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'

    The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus,

    Because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

  72. There are 4 questions. Don't miss one. (And...DON'T skip ahead!)
     
    1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
      Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you look.
      The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
      This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
    2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
      Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
      Wrong Answer.
      Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door
      This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
    3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?
      Correct answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.
      This tests your memory.

      Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

    4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and and You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
      Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across.
      Have you not been listening?
      All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
      This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

    According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

    Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

  73. Don't Send a Husband Shopping
     
    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
    The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
    He replied, "They had eggs."
     
  74. Still Lost

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently I'm still lost....

  75. RIP

    Please join me in Remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough boy was survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. The Funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

  76. New Technology

    It all began with an iPhone...
    March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
    He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

    I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

    My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

    September came by so for her birthday i got my wife an iRon.

    It was around then that the fight started......

    What the wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
    This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

    I should be out of the hospital by Christmas!!
     

  77. Enormously Insignificant

    You are 1 person out of 7 billion people
    On 1 planet out of 8 planets
    In 1 star system out of 100 billion star systems
    In 1 galaxy out of 100 billion galaxies
    So you are enormously insignificant
     

  78. ...on the other hand....

    Out of 100 billion galaxies
    existing in 100 billion star systems
    out of 7 billion people
    you have your own unique genetic makeup
    your thumbprint is yours alone
    you can create art
    and write a song
    and are depended upon by others that love you
    you are enormously significant.

  79. Tribute to Bob Hope — a man who DID make a difference.

    ON TURNING 70
    'You still chase women, but only downhill'.

    ON TURNING 80
    'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

    ON TURNING 90
    'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

    ON TURNING 100
    'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

    ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
    'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

    ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
    'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

    ON GOLF
    'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

    ON PRESIDENTS
    'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

    ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
    'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

    ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
    'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

    ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
    'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

    ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
    'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

    ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
    'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

    ON GOING TO HEAVEN
    'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

  80. I do not like this Uncle Sam
    I do not like this Uncle Sam
    I do not like his health care scam
    I do not like these dirty crooks
    or how they lie and cook the books
    I do not like when Congress steals...
    I do not like their secret deals
    I do not like this
    I do not like your smug replies
    when I complain about your lies
    I do not like this change and hope
    I do not like it.
    nope, nope, nope
     
  81. The Ant and the Grasshopper

    This one is a little different.... Two Different Versions.... Two Different Morals

    OLD VERSION

         The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
         The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away....
         Come winter, the ant is warm And well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

    MORAL OF THE STORY:
         Be responsible for yourself!



         MODERN VERSION
         The ant works hardin the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and Laying up supplies for the winter.
         The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
         Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
         CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
         America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
         How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
         Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'
         ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We Shall overcome." Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
         President Obama condemns the ant and blames PresidentBush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.
         Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
         Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
         The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.
         The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is
         In, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.
         The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.
         The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

    MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

  82. If God texted the Ten Commandments
    1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
    2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
    3. no omg's
    4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8er)......
    5. prnts ok — ur m&d r cool
    6. dnt kill ppl
    7. sx only w/ m8
    8. dnt steal
    9. dnt lie
    10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8
     
  83. Great Truths that Little Children Have Learned
    • No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
    • When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    • If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
    • Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
    • You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
    • Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
    • Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
    • You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
    • Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
    • The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

  84. Success
    • At age 4 success is ... . Not piddling in your pants.
    • At age 12 success is ... Having friends.
    • At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
    • At age 35 success is ... ..having money.
    • At age 50 success is ... Having money..
    • At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
    • At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
    • At age 80 success is .... Not piddling in your pants.

  85. Why California is Broke

    The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

    1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop...; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
    2. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
    3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
    4. The Governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
    5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
    6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
    7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
    8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
    9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
    10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.

    Arizona:

    The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

    1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
    2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

    And that's why California is broke.

  86. A Technologically Challenged Senior

    I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress...I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

    I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

    That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

    My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

    The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [Blue tooth but it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.

    I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-cal-cu-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

    When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me (after 50+ years I certainly hope so).

    To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings. It was a lot easier when it was connected to a cord (for the kids out there reading this, yes, there used to be a cord attached to the phone — and we only had one phone in the house! I won't even go into "party lines" but older folks know what I'm talking about).

    The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me. Now, I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

    Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

  87. Honestly and Chicken

    Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,everyone else in the class laughed.

    My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

    Guess where I am now ...

  88. The Book

    Lunching with a friend in a fast food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident. "She called me every name in the book!" I said. Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story. One said to the other, "There's a book?"

  89. Mark Twain Comments on Modern Technology

    The following comments are culled from letters to earth sent by M. Twain to me.

    • The Internet
      I have observed that the number of pages on the Internet is growing by multiplication. Whereas the amount of actual information resident on the Internet is growing by addition.
      The amount of actual information on the Internet is becoming an increasingly insignificant island within the great ocean of Internet-based ignorance.
    • Artificial Intelligence
      I hear that one discovery the human race is making is an inability to create artificially intelligent machines.
      I would find it extraordinary that mankind cannot create an intelligent machine only to the extent that I would find extraordinary that a snake should be unable to create a legged stick.
    • Laptop Portables
      I knew a lot of people who were educated beyond the limits of their intelligence. Now, I suppose, they don't even need an education. A lot of idiots are now able to hold their brains in their laps.
    • Wordprocessing
      I am astonished at the number of people who now create words.
      ...And with what great facility.
      ...And to what minuscule purposes.
    • Blogging
      In my day, it required a good deal of capital, skill, power, influence, and gall to see one's ideas and prejudices displayed in one's own publication.
      The first four assets are no longer required.
    • Online Computer Databasing
      The problem began with Gutenberg, you know. The more ideas people could have in their libraries the fewer ideas they had to hold in their brains. Now people can have all the ideas in the world on their desktop and keep their brains empty.
      And from what I've been able to tell, you could take the entire collection of genuinely worthy ideas resident in the heads of some of these key-banging clerks and insert them all into the navel of a single humming-bird — and have enough room left over for three grains of pepper and a Congressman's heart.
    • Computer Languages
      There were too many human languages when I was alive. Now there seem to be as many computer languages as there are different kinds of computers. Any time some of these socially-maladjusted engineers get together to create a new technology, it seems they must make it talk in a language no one can understand except themselves and their idiot-child computer (which is probably the whole idea).

     
  90. ANOTHER LETTER TO EARTH
    (from Mark Twain, in a Hot, Hot Place)

    Dear Don,

    Hi! It's been a while since I last wrote.

    We've been having quite a time down here finding out about the so-called "micro-computer revolution."

    Getting information hasn't actually been too difficult — it seems that all the people who had a part in creating the revolution are coming down here to this place. A few more of them show up every week. We've wondered why this should be, and have had many conversations about the topic.

    One day I came across an authoritative utterance about the matter; an acquaintance of mine (an angel as a matter of fact, name of Prissy Pringle) was paying a visit.

    You may think it strange..., me having an angel as a speaking acquaintance. As a matter of fact, I don't make a habit of associating with the species — never have. But this one is a good sort, considering the company he keeps when he's not down here.

    Of course, I'm the only one who knows he's really an angel. When down here slumming with us, he passes himself off as an imp. Vomit Snotnozzle, he calls himself. (The name is actually the demonic equivalent of John Smith back home.) He does a pretty good masquerade, I suppose.

    Prissy comes down here every once in a while to get away from what he claims to be the cloying effect of too many redeemed natures: everyone eternally smiling and pleasant; everyone everlastingly greeting everyone else with the annoyingly good and wholesome temperament that can only belong to a creature who will never again sweat.

    Anyway, as I was saying, Prissy told me one day why so many founders and movers of the Computer Revolution are being gathered to an Infernal Reward. He says he got his information in the Celestial Hall of Records directly from one of the Sunny Sprites who manage the flow of information there.

    As near as I can make out from what Prissy said, over 1,000 people per hour, 24 hours a day, utter the imprecation, "Damn the ... (one, or several, of a variety of extremely rude nouns are usually inserted at this point and generally modified by a longer or shorter list of unflattering adjectives) who are responsible for designing...." I don't actually understand the concluding substance of the curse's attribution — Prissy says it has to do with something called "system incompatibility." (I'm still working on this part....)

    Anyway, Prissy says that the curses come with such regularity and fervor that they have assumed an efficacy commonly reserved for prayer. So these gentlemen just keep showing up month after month. And from what I can tell, they're going to continue coming for quite some time.

    They've been relegated to a low caste in this place heretofore reserved only for lawyers. (The lawyers are taking it hard.)

    Well, better shut this off. My nose tells me that Old Ned, the Office Manager, is approaching.

    Until next time.

    Your Servant,
    M.T.

  91. THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

    Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

    Each kid will play two sports and take either music or dance classes.

    There is no fast food.

    Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

    In addition, each man will have to budget enough money for groceries each week.

    Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time—no emailing.

    Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment .

    He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.

    He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a school function.

    Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside, and keeping it presentable at all times.

    The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

    The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished, and eyebrows groomed

    During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches, have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

    They must attend weekly school meetings and church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

    They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:30 am.

    A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size, doctor's name, the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear, and what they want to be when they grow up.

    The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

    The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

    If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years, eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

  92. Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) (From The Big Kahuna)

    Ladies and gentleman of the Class of '97. Wear sunscreen.

    If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

    Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

    Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

    Do one thing every day that scares you.

    Sing.

    Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

    Floss.

    Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

    Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

    Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

    Stretch.

    Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

    Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

    Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

    Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

    Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your living room.

    Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

    Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

    Brother and sister together will make it through,

    Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there.

    I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you,

    And I'll be there just helping you our whenever I can.

    Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

    Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

    Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

    Travel.

    Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

    Respect your elders.

    Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

    Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

    Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

    But trust me on the sunscreen.

    Brother and sister together will make it through,

    Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there.

    I know you've been hurting but I've been waiting to be there for you,

    And I'll be there just helping you our whenever I can.

    Everybody's free,

    Everybody's free to feel good.

  93. Jewish Curses
    Jewish people always have had a penchant for colorful cursing:
    • May God call the tune and may your enemies play the music.
    • May you lose your faith and marry a pius woman.
    • May all your teeth fall out except for one, which should remain as a toothache.
    • May you grow like an onion with your head in the ground and your feet in the air.
    • May you have a good long sleep and may your dreams be only of your troubles.
    • May you be the proof that man can endure anything.
    • May your wife eat matzas in bed and may you roll in the crumbs.

  94. All I need to know I learned from the Easter Bunny!

      Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
      Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
      There's no such thing as too much candy.
      All work and no play can make you a basket case.
      A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
      Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
      Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
      Some body parts should be floppy.
      Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
      Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
      The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
      To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
      The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.


  95. I Get it!

    Woman has Man in it;
    Mrs. has Mr. in it;
    Female has Male in it;
    She has He in it;
    Madam has Adam in it;

    Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
    I never looked at it this way before:
    Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
    MENtal illness
    MENstrual cramps
    MENtal breakdown
    MENopause
    GUYnecologist

    AND
    When we have REAL trouble, it's a..HISterectomy.

  96. Dumb! Dumb! Dumb

    These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor:

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney — can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?

    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
    Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

    Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?

    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
    All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay night clubs.

    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.

    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

  97. Random Thoughts for the Day:
    1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
    3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
    5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
    7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
    9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
    10. Bad decisions make good stories.
    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
    13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
    14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this — ever...
    15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D@mn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
    16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste..
    17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone so I know not to answer when they call.
    18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
    19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
    20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite's than Kay.

  98. You know you're living in 2010 if....
    1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses / facebook / Myspace / twitter.
    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
    7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
    9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
    10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.: )
    11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
    12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
    13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
    14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

  99. Holiday Eating Tips: Very Important!
    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single— malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.
      Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
    8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

  100. A Common Sense Solution

    The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

    These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

    1. The season opened today.
    2. There is no limit.
    3. They taste just like chicken.
    4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
    5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

    The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday

  101. BBQ RULES

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


    Routine...
    1. The woman buys the food.
    2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill — beer in hand.
    4. The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

      Here comes the important part:

    5. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

      More routine....

    6. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

      Important again:

    8. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

      More routine...

    9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
    10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

      And most important of all:

    11. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
    12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

  102. And they ask — Why Like Retirement?

    Question: How many days in a week?
    Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

    Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
    Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

    Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
    Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

    Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
    Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

    Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
    Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount...

    Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
    Answer: Tied shoes.

    Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
    Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

    Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
    Answer: NUTS!

    Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
    Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

    Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
    Answer: Normal

    Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
    Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

    Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
    Answer: If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

    Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
    Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

  103. Some Veteren Humor

    "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." (Army magazine)
    "Aim towards the Enemy" (Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher)
    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend...." (U.S. Marine Corps)
    "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him and try to keep up." (USAF Ammo Troop)

  104. How to remember names

    Use the SUAVE system

    • Say the name
    • Use it three times
    • Ask a question
    • Visualize the name
    • End the conversation with the name

  105. 11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

    Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
    10 men and 1 woman.
    The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall.
    They weren't able to choose that person, until the Only woman hanging there gave a very touching speech.
    She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
    As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping .........

  106. Three Men on a Hike

    Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
    Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice .
    After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
    Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
    Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
    Poof! ... He was turned in to a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

  107. Baptized Cat

    Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.
    He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.
    A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.
    She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"
    Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

  108. Interesting Geography
    • Alaska
      More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska
    • Amazon
      The Amazon rain forest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply.
      The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States
    • Antarctica
      Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
      Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica . This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ie.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
    • Brazil
      Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
    • Canada
      Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village ..'
    • Chicago
      Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
    • Detroit
      Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.
    • Istanbul, Turkey
      Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.
    • Los Angeles
      Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula — and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
    • New York City
      The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time — The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel
    • Ohio
      There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is man made.
    • Pitcairn Island
      The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4.53 sq. km.
    • Rome
      The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
    • Siberia
      Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
    • S.M.O.M .
      The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta. It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
    • Sahara Desert
      In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island . There has been no rainfall there for two million years.
    • Spain
      Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
    • St. Paul, Minnesota
      St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.
    • Roads
      Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A: 1%, in Canada: 75%
    • Texas
      The deepest hole ever made in the world is in Texas. It is as deep as 20 empire state buildings but only 3 inches wide.
    • United States
      The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
    • Waterfalls
      The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls

    I have always said you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway.

  109. Double Dog Dare

    DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?

    • All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
    • It took five minutes for the TV to warm up?
    • Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
    • Nobody owned a purebred dog?
    • When a quarter was a decent allowance?
    • You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
    • Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
    • All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
    • You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
    • Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
    • It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
    • They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed... And they did?
    • When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
    • No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
    • Lying on your back in the grass with your friends?
    • And saying things like, 'That cloud looks like a.... '?
    • Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
    • Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
    • And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace? Share it with the children of today.
    • When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

    Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

  110. How many of these do you remember?
    • Candy cigarettes
    • Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
    • Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
    • Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes.
    • Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.
    • Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
    • Newsreels before the movie.
    • P.F. Flyers.
    • Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601). Party lines.
    • Peashooters.
    • Howdy DOOdy.
    • Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records.
    • 78 RPM records!
    • Green Stamps.
    • Mimeograph paper.
    • The Fort Apache Play Set.

  111. Do you remember a time when...
    • Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
    • Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'?
    • 'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
    • Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
    • It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?
    • The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was 'cooties'?
    • Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
    • Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
    • 'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense?
    • Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
    • The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
    • War was a card game?
    • Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
    • Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
    • Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
    • If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!

  112. Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
    • His dizzy aunt — Verti Gogh
    • The brother who ate prunes — Gotta Gogh
    • The brother who worked at a convenience store — Stop N Gogh
    • The grandfather from Yugoslavia — U Gogh
    • His magician uncle — Where-diddy Gogh
    • His Mexican cousin — A Mee Gogh
    • The Mexican cousin's American half-brother — Gring Gogh
    • The nephew who drove a stage coach — Wells-far Gogh
    • The constipated uncle — Can't Gogh
    • The ballroom dancing aunt — Tang Gogh
    • The bird lover uncle — Flamin Gogh
    • The fruit-loving cousin — Man Gogh
    • An aunt who taught positive thinking — Way-to-Gogh
    • The little bouncy nephew — Poe Gogh
    • A sister who loved disco — Go Gogh
    • And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

    I saw you smiling — there ya Gogh!

  113. I Just Wanna Say Thanks....

    I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
    I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
    I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the Number One pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the Number One spot).
    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
    I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing
    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
    I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
    I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
    I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
    I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for life.
    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS .
    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
    I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
    I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support the American troops or the Salvation Army.
    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan .
    I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
    THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
    I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
    Oh, by the way ...
    A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

  114. Pastor's Calling Card

    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

    Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

    When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message," Genesis 3:10."

    Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

  115. Drafting Guys over 60

    This is quite funny & obviously written by a Former Serviceman-

    New Directive for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b.....
    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..
    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    How about recruiting Women over 50 .. .with PMS !!!
    You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
    If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... they will have it secured the first night!

  116. The Class that Failed

    An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

    The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan." All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

    After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset — and the students who studied little were happy.

    As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

    When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

    All failed: to their great surprise! Then the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great. But when government takes all the reward away no one will try — or even have a desire — to succeed.

    Could not be any simpler than that.

  117. Half Wit

    A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

    "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

    "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

    The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

    Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

    "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

    "That would be me," replied the Rancher

  118. The Land that Made Me Me

    Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
    Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
    There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,
    For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
    Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

    We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
    We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.
    We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
    And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.
    We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
    And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
    And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.
    And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
    A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
    And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.
    We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
    Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
    And reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp,
    or was that vice versa?
    We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
    And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
    At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.
    For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
    And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
    And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.
    And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkeys lived in trees,
    Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
    And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.
    And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
    And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
    And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.
    And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
    And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
    And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.
    And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
    And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

    We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
    We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
    Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions
    in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
    And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.
    And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
    And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

    But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
    And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
    They send us invitations to join AARP,
    We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

    So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
    And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
    And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
    Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

  119. For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents!!!
    And thanks for the memories............

    I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.

    Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:

    May 29, 1903 — July 27, 2003

    ON TURNING 70
    'You still chase women, but only downhill'.

    ON TURNING 80
    'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

    ON TURNING 90
    'You know you're getting old when the
    candles cost more than the cake.'

    ON TURNING 100
    'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
    until noon . Then it's time for my nap.'

    ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
    'I ruined my hands in the ring .... the referee kept stepping on them.'

    ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
    'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'

    ON GOLF
    'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

    ON PRESIDENTS
    'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

    ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
    'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, '
    Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'.'

    ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
    'I feel very humble, but I think I have
    the strength of character to fight it.'

    ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
    'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got
    cold, mother threw on another brother.'

    ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
    'That's how I learned to dance.
    Waiting for the bathroom.'

    ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
    'I would not have had anything to eat
    if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

    ON GOING TO HEAVEN
    'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

  120. The 'Middle Wife' (by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher)
    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
    She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
    'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
    'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my M om starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
    'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
    They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
    I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ' Middle Wife' comes along.
     
  121. When the Fight Started
     
    1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
      I said, 'Dust.'
      And then the fight started...
    2. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
      I bought her a scale.
      And then the fight started...
    3. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
      so, I took her to a gas station.
      And then the fight started...
    4. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
      The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
      When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
      She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
      And then the fight started...
    5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
      My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
      'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
      'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
      And then the fight started...
    6. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
      "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
      He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
      "Nah, she can order for herself."
      And then the fight started...
    7. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
      She is not happy with what she sees, and says to her husband,
      'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
      I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
      The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
      And then the fight started.....
    8. I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
      Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
      I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
      And then the fight started....
    9. My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
      I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
      and then the fight started.....
    10. A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
      Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
      The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
      So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped out of the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
      A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
      The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
      And then the fight started.....
    11. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
      I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
      The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be awful all day.
      I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
      I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
      My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
      And then the fight started ...
    12. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
      It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
      "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
      So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
      And that's when the fight started....
    13. My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
      I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
      "No," she answered.
      I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
      She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
      So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
      And that's when the fight started....

  122. Never Argue with a Woman

    One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
    Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
    'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
    'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," He informs her
    'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
    'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
    'For reading a book,' she replies,
    'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
    'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
    'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
    'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
    'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
    'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
    'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

    MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

  123. AAADD

    KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

    Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. — Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it manifests:
    I decide to water my garden.
    As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
    As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
    I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
    I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
    So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
    But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
    I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
    I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
    The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
    As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need water.
    I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
    I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
    I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
    I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
    I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
    So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
    Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
    At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

    I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

  124. Children's Science Exam

    If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
    A: Keep it in the cow.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
    A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

    Q: What is the fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
    A: Nearby.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
    A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

  125. HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

    George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

    He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?'

    He said 'No.'

    Then they said 'All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

    George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

    Then he phoned the police again..

    'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

    Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

    George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

  126. Sorry 'Bout That

    Due to recent economic conditions and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off...

    We apologize for any inconvenience.

  127. Seven Reasons Not To Mess With Children...
    1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
      The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
      The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
      Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
      The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
      The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
      The little girl replied,...'Then you ask him'.
    2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
      As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
      The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
      The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
      Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,...'They will in a minute.'
    3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
      After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
      Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,..."'Thou shall not kill."
    4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
      She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
      Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
      The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,... 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
    5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
      'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
      A small voice at the back of the room rang out,... 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
    6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said.
      'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
      A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
    7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray...
      'Take only ONE...God is watching.'
      Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
      A child had written a note,... "'Take all you want...God is watching the apples"
  128. Old Wisdom
    • Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
    • Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
    • The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
    • I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
    • I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
    • An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week ".
    • My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    • Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
    • It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

  129. Fixin' To Fix The Fence...

    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at The White House. One is from Ohio, another from Tennessee, and the third, from Kentucky.

    They all go...(with a White House official also present)... to examine the fence.

    The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil....'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900 total...$400 for materials,...$400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

    The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700 total.... $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

    The Ohio contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers,'$2,700.'...The official, incredulous, whispers back,...You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'....The Ohio contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.... 'Done!' replies the government official.

    And that, my friends, is often how it all works.

  130. You know you're a redneck when......
    1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
    2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
    3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 5 years.
    4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
    5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench.
    6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
    7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
    8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
    9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
    10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
    11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
    12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
    13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
    14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
    15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
    16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
    17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
    18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
    19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
    20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
    21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
    22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
    23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
    24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-M a rt.
    25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
    26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
    27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
    28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
    29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
    30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

  131. Firearms Refresher Courser
    1. An armed man is a citizen; an unarmed man is a subject.
    2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
    3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
    4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
    5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
    6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
    7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
    8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
    9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
    10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791: All Rights Reserved.
    11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?
    12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
    13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
    14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
    15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
    16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
    17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer
    18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
    19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
    20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
    21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
    22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
    23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have: don't make more.
    24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
    25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

  132. Menopause Jewelry

    My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

    We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.

    Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

  133. Dear Tech Support

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

    Signed,
    Desperate


    Dear Desperate,

    First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Pet Training 7.7.

    Good luck,
    Tech Support

  134. Solving the income tax — Dave Barry style

    How to simplify tax law:

    Every April 15, lock all members of Congress in prison cells with tax forms and the tax code. Keep them there, without food or water, until they had completed their tax returns and successfully undergone a full IRS audit. Naturally, Mr. Barry says, "this system would probably result in a severe shortage of Congresspersons.... But there might also be some drawbacks." (The LPC Monthly)

  135. Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

    This is ascribed to David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. Professor of Economics University of Georgia

    Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

    The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3.

    The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

    So, that's what they decided to do.

    The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

    The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

    But what about the other six men — the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

    They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

    And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

    The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

    Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

    'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'

    'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got' 'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

    'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

    The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

    The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

    For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

  136. ALL MEN/ALL GIRLS?

    When my daughter, Katie, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Katie would say, "And all girls."

    As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and asked her,

    "Katie, Why do you always add the part about all girls?"

    Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

  137. QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
    • If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
    • How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
    • Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
    • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
    • Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
    • Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
    • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
    • Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
    • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
    • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
    • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
    • If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
    • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    • Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
    • Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
    • Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
    • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

  138. Good for Those Things....

    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

    The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

    "Eight," the boy replied.

    The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

    The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother.

    He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.

    Right now, he can't do either one!!!"

  139. ...so Don't Ask

    A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

    Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

    In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

    He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

    As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

    She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me 'what in the world I do all day?'

    'Yes,' was his Incredulous reply. She answered,

    'Well, today I didn't do it.

  140. Democrats Vs Republican

    I was talking to the daughter of a friend, and she said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing

    you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people'

    'Wow — what a worthy goal' I told her, 'you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow my lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house'

    She thought that over for a few seconds ... 'cause she's only 6'. While her mom glared at me, the little girl looked at me and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

    And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

    Her folks still aren't talking to me.

  141. A Fisher

    There was a young fisher named Fischer,
    Who fished for a fish in a fissure.
    The fish with a grin
    Pulled the fishman in
    Now they're fishing the fissure for Fischer.

  142. Watch What You Give Her...."

    'Whatever you give a woman will multiply.
    If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
    If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
    If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
    She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

    So, fair warning...don't give her any crap!

  143. A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

    Dear Diary,
    For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
    My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. _____

    MONDAY:
    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god — with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
    Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!! _____

    TUESDAY:
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. _____

    WEDNESDAY:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too. _____

    THURSDAY:
    Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
    Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
    Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank. _____

    FRIDAY:
    I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
    Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? _____

    SATURDAY:
    Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. _____
    SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

  144. NOAH

    In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
    Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.
    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark beforeI will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no Ark.
    Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
    Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
    I needed a building permit.
    I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
    My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
    We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
    Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
    To clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
    I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
    Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
    I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go!
    When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
    They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
    They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
    To put so many animals in a confined space.
    Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
    I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
    Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.
    The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
    To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
    So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.
    Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
    Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
    'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?
    'No,' said the Lord.
    'The government beat me to it.

  145. Elderly Road Trip

    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

    After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

    By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

    All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one

    To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

  146. TWO WAYS TO LOOK AT EVERYTHING....

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table .

    My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.

    'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything .....

  147. I came across this phrase in a book yesterday "FENDER SKIRTS"

    A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

    Like "curb feelers"

    And "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob

    Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

    Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

    When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

    I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

    Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

    Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore — "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

    "Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.

    On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

    When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply"expecting."

    Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

    I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.

    Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day — "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

    Here's a word I miss — "percolator." That was just a fun word to say And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

    I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

    Food for thought — Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

    Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

  148. The Art of Insult
    • He had delusions of adequacy. (Walter Kerr)
    • He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Winston Churchill)
    • A modest little person, with much to be modest about. (Winston Churchill)
    • I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. (Clarence Darrow)
    • He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. (William Faulkner, about Ernest Hemingway).
      Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? (Ernest Hemingway, about William Faulkner)
    • Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. (Moses Hadas)
    • He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I now. (Abraham Lincoln)
    • I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. (Mark Twain)
    • He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. (Oscar Wilde)
    • I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one. (George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill)
      Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one. (Winston Churchill, in response)
    • I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. (Stephen Bishop)
    • He is a self-made man and worships his creator. (John Bright)
    • I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. (Irvin S. Cobb)
    • He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. (Samuel Johnson)
    • He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. (Paul Keating)
    • There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. (Jack E. Leonard)
    • He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. (Robert Redford)
    • They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. (Thomas Brackett Reed)
    • In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. (Charles, Count Talleyrand)
    • He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. (Forrest Tucker)
    • Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? (Mark Twain)
    • His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. (Mae West)
    • Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. (Oscar Wilde)
    • He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. (Andrew Lang, 1844-1912)
    • He has Van Gogh's ear for music. (Billy Wilder)
    • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

  149. 1998 to 2008

    What a Difference 30 Years Makes!

    1998: Long hair
    2008: Longing for hair

    1998: KEG
    2008: EKG

    1998: Acid rock
    2008: Acid reflux

    1998: Moving to California because it's cool
    2008: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

    1998: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
    2008: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

    1998: Seeds and stems
    2008: Roughage

    1998: Hoping for a BMW
    2008: Hoping for a BM

    1998: Going to a new, hip joint
    2008: Receiving a new hip joint

    1998: Rolling Stones
    2008: Kidney Stones

    1998: Screw the system
    2008: Upgrade the system

    1998: Disco
    2008: Costco

    1998: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
    2008: Children begging you to get their heads Shaved

    1998: Passing the drivers' test
    2008: Passing the vision test

    1998: Whatever
    2008: Depends

    Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

    • The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1990.
    • They are too young to remember the space Shuttle blowing up.
    • Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
    • Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
    • The CD was introduced the year they were born.
    • They have always had an answering machine.
    • They have always had cable.
    • They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
    • Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
    • Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
    • They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
    • They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
    • They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
    • They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel."
    • They do not care who shot J. R.
    • McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
    • They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

  150. Things You Don't Hear Anymore
    • Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.
    • Watch for the postman,
      I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today.
    • Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!
    • Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave,
      It looks like a shower is coming up.
    • Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
    • Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted.
    • Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs?
      Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
    • You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
    • Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!
    • Go comb your hair. It looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
    • Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk
    • When you open the new bottle take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
    • Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
    • Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
    • Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by. I need to get a few things from him.
    • You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
    • There's a dollar in my purse. Get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
    • Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here. It is getting hot.
    • You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
    • Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
    • If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
    • Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after a while.
    • Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
    • Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
    • Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
    • We are almost out of paper out there.
    • No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
    • Eat those turnips. They'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
    • That dog is NOT coming in this house!
      I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs don't stay in the house.
    • Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight. And you keep moving and it is all messed up.
    • Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that!
      I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
    • It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
    • Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
    • Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.
    • When you take your driving test don't forget to signal each turn.
      Left arm straight out the window for a left turn;
      Left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn;
      And straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
    • It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man. And don't you forget it!
    • Y'all come back now, ya hear.

    Bring back any memories?

  151. What's Important? (from The Big Chill)

    Michael: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.
    Sam Weber: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.
    Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

  152. The Wisdom of Rita Rudner
    • Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
    • I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
    • I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
    • I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
    • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    • I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
    • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
    • I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
    • I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
    • I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
    • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
    • In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
    • It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
    • It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    • Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
    • Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
    • Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
    • Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
    • My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
    • My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
    • My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
    • My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
    • Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
    • Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
    • Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
    • Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
    • The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
    • The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
    • They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
    • To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
    • We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet — so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
    • When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

  153. Don't Challenge God

    A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

    One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,

    "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

    It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

    The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

    The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

  154. Subject: Americans as viewed by the world

    When in England at the World Economic Forum, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.

    It became very quiet in the room.


    Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

    A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.... We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

    Once again, dead silence.


    A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

    Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

    You could have heard a pin drop


    A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

    Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

    'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'

    'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!'

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.'

  155. Steven Wright Gems
    1. Half the people you know are below average.
    2. 42.7% of statistics cited by people in arguments are made up on the spot.
    3. A conscience is what feels bad when everything else feels so good.
    4. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    5. The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese.
    6. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    8. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
    9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    10. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
    11. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    12. A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
    13. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    14. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
    15. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have any film.

  156. KIDS IN CHURCH

    3-year-old Reese:
    "Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
    Harold is His name.
    Amen."

    A little boy was overheard praying:
    "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
    I'm having a real good time like I am."

    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
    His father asked him three times what was wrong.
    Finally, the boy replied,
    "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys ."

    One particular four-year-old prayed,
    "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

    A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
    "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
    One bright little girl replied,
    "Because people are sleeping."

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
    The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
    Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
    "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
    'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
    "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

    A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
    "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
    "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
    The boy thought a moment and then said,
    "Did God throw him back down?"

    A wife invited some people to dinner.
    At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
    "Would you like to say the blessing?"
    "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
    "Just say what you hear Mommy say to Him," the wife answered.
    The daughter bowed her head and said,
    "O God, why on earth did I have to invite all these people to dinner on a hot day like this?"

  157. TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
    2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me .
    7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
    9. I'm not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
    10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine
    14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
    17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    18. Procrastinate Now!
    19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
    22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
    24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
    25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    26. Ham and eggs.... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
    28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

  158. WHY GOD MADE MOMS

    All answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

    Why did God make mothers?

    1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
    2. Mostly to clean the house.
    3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

    How did God make mothers?

    1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
    2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
    3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

    What ingredients are mothers made of?

    1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
    2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

    Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

    1. We're related.
    2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

    What kind of little girl was your mom?

    1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
    2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
    3. They say she used to be nice.

    What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

    1. His last name.
    2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
    3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

    Why did your mom marry your dad?

    1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
    2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
    3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

    Who's the boss at your house?

    1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
    2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
    3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

    What's the difference between moms & dads?

    1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work and work.
    2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
    3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
    4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

    What does your mom do in her spare time?

    1. Mothers don't do spare time.
    2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

    What would it take to make your mom perfect?

    1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
    2. Diet. You know, her hair.. I'd diet, maybe blue.

    If you could Change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

    1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd GET rid of that.
    2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
    3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

  159. Ponderisms
    1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
    2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
    3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
    4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
    5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
    6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
    7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
    8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
    9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
    10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
    11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
    12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
    13. Think about this. No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
    14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
    15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
    16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket..
    17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
    18. Money can't buy happiness — but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
    19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

  160. Some new ponder items
    1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
      Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
    2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
    4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
    5. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
    6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
    7. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
    8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
    9. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
    10. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
    11. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
    12. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
    13. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
    14. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .. they're cramming for their final exam.
    15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
    16. Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
    17. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
    18. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS'?

  161. Dad at the Mall

    I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

    The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

    Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

  162. Why We Love Children!#1

    A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

    A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."

    An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out."

    It was that time, during the Sunday morning service for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

    When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

  163. What THEY Mean by Service

    At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
    "It's the act of doing things for other people."

    Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

    • Internal Revenue Service
    • Postal Service
    • Telephone Service
    • Civil Service
    • City & County Public Service
    • Customer Service
    • Service Stations

    Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

    So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

    I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

  164. Why We Love Children!#2
    1. NUDITY
      I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year— old shout from the back seat,
      "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
    2. OPINIONS
      On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
    3. KETCHUP
      A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
    4. MORE NUDITY
      A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
    5. POLICE #1
      While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
      "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
      "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
      "Yes, that's right," I told her.
      "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
    6. POLICE #2
      It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
      "It sure is," I replied.
      Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
      Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
    7. ELDERLY
      While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
    8. DRESS-UP
      A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
      "And why not, darling?"
      "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
    9. DEATH
      While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
      The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
      "Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes."
      (I want this line used at my funeral!)
    10. SCHOOL
      A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
    11. BIBLE
      A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
      "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
      "What have you got there, dear?"
      With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

  165. Just in case you weren't feeling too old today (from 2007)

    The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.
    They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
    Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
    The CD was introduced the year they were born.
    They have always had an answering machine.
    They have always had cable.
    Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
    Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
    They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
    They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
    McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

  166. First Grade Wisdom
    A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her Class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
    It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
    • Don't change horses...
      until they stop running.
    • Strike while the...
      bug is close.
    • It's always darkest before...
      Daylight Saving Time.
    • Never underestimate the power of...
      termites
    • You can lead a horse to water but...
      How?
    • Don't bite the hand that...
      looks dirty.
    • No news is...
      impossible.
    • A miss is as good as a...
      Mr.
    • You can't teach an old dog new...
      Math
    • If you lie down with dogs, you'll...
      stink in the morning.
    • Love all, trust...
      Me.
    • The pen is mightier than the...
      pigs.
    • An idle mind is...
      the best way to relax.
    • Where there's smoke there's...
      pollution.
    • Happy the bride who...
      gets all the presents.
    • A penny saved is...
      not much.
    • Two's company, three's...
      The Musketeers
    • Don't put off till tomorrow what...
      You put on to go to bed.
    • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry...
      andYou have to blow Your nose.
    • There are none so blind as...
      Stevie Wonder.
    • Children should be seen and not
      spanked or grounded.
    • If at first you don't succeed...
      Get new batteries.
    • You get out of something only what you
      See in the picture on the box.
    • When the blind lead the blind...
      Get out of the way.

      And the WINNER!
    • Better late than...
      Pregnant

  167. Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or love one's life.
    Refresh yourself
    It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.
    1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do:
      The elbow is the strongest point on your body.
      If you are close enough to use it, do!
    2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans:
      If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
      DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM
      Toss it away from you..., chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
      RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
    3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.
      The driver won't see you, but everybody else will.
      This has saved lives.
    4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.
      DON'T DO THIS!
      The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
      AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
      If someone is in the car with a gun to your head.
      DO NOT DRIVE OFF,
      Repeat:
      DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
      Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you.
      If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it.
      As soon as the car crashes bail out and run.
      It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.
    5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
      Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat
      If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.
      Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
      Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.
      If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
      IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY.
      (And better paranoid than dead.)
    6. ALWAYS
      take the elevator instead of the stairs.
      (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.
      This is especially true at NIGHT!)
    7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,
      ALWAYS RUN!
      The predator will only hit you (a running target) once in 100 times;
      And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.
      RUN, Preferably in a zig-zag pattern!
    8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
      STOP!
      It may get you raped, or killed.
      Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women.
      He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
    9. Another Safety Point:
      Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird.
      The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."
      The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over.
      The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."
      He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby,
      He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

  168. Only in America
    • ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
    • ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
    • ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
    • ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
    • ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
    • ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
    • ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

  169. Here's something to think about

    Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.
    TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:
    TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
    Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

  170. Old Fart Bumper Stickers
    • I asked my wife if old men wear boxers.
      She said "DEPENDS."
    • I'm so old...
      I don't buy green bananas.
    • The only trouble with retirement...
      You never get a dam day off.
    • Goodbye tension!
      Hello pension.
    • It's nice to be here.
      At my age it's nice to be anywhere. (George Burns)
    • You know you're getting old when...
      you throw a wild party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
    • Sometimes I wake up grumpy...
      and some days I let him sleep.
    • Quit worrying about your health.
      It'll go away.
    • I must be getting older...
      All the names in my phone book end with M.D.
    • I'm not old.
      I'm chronologically Gifted.
    • Retirement is the best medicine.
    • Florida
      God's Waiting Room
    • Experience is a wonderful thing.
      It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    • I'm so old that whenever I eat out,
      they ask me for money up front.
    • I'm so old... all my friends in heaven
      will think I didn't make it.
    • Birthdays are good for you.
      The more you have, the longer you live.
    • It ain't the age.
      It's the darn mileage.
    • Support Bingo
      Keep Grandma off the streets.
    • Just Married
      for 55 years
    • It's not that I'm afraid to die.
      I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)
    • Old age comes at a very bad time.
    • You know you're getting older
      when Happy Hour is a nap
    • If I knew I'd live this long,
      I'd have taken better care of myself.
    • The more you complain,
      the longer God makes you live.

  171. Good 'uns
    1. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
      I think I've forgotten this before. (Anonymous)
    2. I had some words with my wife and she had some paragraphs with me. (Anonymous)
    3. Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
      Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
      Whenever you're right, shut up. (Ogden Nash)
    4. A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
    5. Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
    6. Birds of a feather flock together, and then they poop on your car.
    7. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
    8. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
    9. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
    10. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
    11. A penny saved...is a government oversight.
    12. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at a tempting moment.
    13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
    14. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
    15. He who hesitates is probably right.
    16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
    17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
    18. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
    19. The mind is like a parachute;
      it works much better when it's open.
    20. The only difference between a rut and a grave...is the depth!

  172. Think about it...
    1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
    2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
    3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
    5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
    6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
    7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
    8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
    9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
    10. Is there another word for synonym?
    11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
    12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
    13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
    14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
    15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
    16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
    17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
    18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
    19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
    20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
    21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
    22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
    23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
    24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
    25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
    26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
    27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
    28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
    29. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
    30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
    31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
    32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
    33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

  173. Even God Enjoys a Good Laugh

    There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

    1. He called everyone brother.
    2. He liked Gospel.
    3. He didn't get a fair trial.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

    1. He went into His Father's business.
    2. He lived at home until he was 33.
    3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

    1. He talked with His hands.
    2. He had wine with His meals.
    3. He used olive oil

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

    1. He never cut His hair.
    2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
    3. He started a new religion.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

    1. He was at peace with nature.
    2. He ate a lot of fish.
    3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

    But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

    1. He never got married.
    2. He was always telling stories.
    3. He loved green pastures.

    But the most compelling evidence of all — 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

    1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
    2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
    3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

  174. Over-heard in church

    STORY OF ELIJAH

    The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

    A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

    LOT'S WIFE

    The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

    GOOD SAMARITAN

    A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

    OUR QUILT

    Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

  175. In Praise of Older Women (because we better)

    After being married for 34 years, I took a careful look at my wife and said, "Honey, 34 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old gal.

    Now I have a $700,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed, and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. she told me to go out and find a hot 20-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

  176. Churck Lorre Productions #8

    The sun rises, the sun sets
    The seasons change
    Rivers flow
    Leaves fall
    It's raining somewhere
    Spiders make webs
    Fish eat each other
    Babies are born
    Stars are born
    People and stars get old
    Then stop getting old
    All this happens and more
    Day after day after day
    At no time am I consulted

  177. How old is GRANDMA?

    Date: Wed, 16 Oct 2002 22:03:50 -0700

    From: "Toni M Loomis, Jr."

    One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandma replied:

    "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees, and the pill.

    There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

    Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

    Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. I called adult 'Sir' or 'Ma'am' We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

    Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

    Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends — not purchasing condominiums.

    We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

    We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 gas was 11 cents a gallon.

    In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. " Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap....

    So how old do you think I am ???....

    I am 58 years old!

  178. Are you the weakest link?

    Thu, 24 Oct 2002 12:08:23 -0700
    From: "Alan Eft"
    I think that this might have circulated before. But it didn't help me, I still got all the questions wrong.
    Alan


    A little something to ponder.... Are you the weakest link????
    OK. Pay close attention. Here is a very simple little test comprised of four easy questions to determine the level of your intellect. See if you have what it takes to be considered "smart."
    Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting of time. And no cheating!
    On your mark, get set, go....
    1. You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second place. In which position are you now?
      Answer: If you answered that you're now in first, you're wrong! You overtook the second runner and took his place, therefore you are now in second place. For the next question try not to be so dim.
    2. If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
      Answer: If you answered second to last, you are wrong once again. Think about it... How can you overtake the person who is last? If you're behind them, they can't be last. You would have been last. It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points.
      Anyway, here's another question to try. Don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember, your replies must be instantaneous.
    3. Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. and plus 10. What is the total?
      Answer: 5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with good calculator. Today is clearly not your day, although you should manage to get the last question right...
    4. Marie's father has five daughters:
      1. Chacha
      2. Cheche
      3. Chichi
      4. Chocho
      5. ????
      Question: What is the fifth daughter's name? Think quickly...you'll find the answer below....
      Answer: Chuchu? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly.

    You are clearly the weakest link.

  179. Californians

    So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, ... you know you're from California if:

    1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
    2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
    3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
    4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
    5. You can't remember — is pot illegal?
    6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
    7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
    8. You can't remember — is pot illegal?
    9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
    10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
    11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
    12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
    13. You can't remember — is pot illegal?
    14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
    15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
    16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
    17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
    18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.
    19. The Terminator is your governor.
    20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

  180. Heightened Threat Levels In Europe

    The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

    Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

    It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

    The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

    Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

    The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

    In light of the above, the UN has opened debate on whether up their posture from talking about it to thinking about it.

  181. Some Light Friday Humor
    • Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
      "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
    • In a Podiatrist's office:
      "Time wounds all heels."
    • On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
      "Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."
    • On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
      "We're #1 in the #2 business."
    • At a Proctologist's door
      "To expedite your visit please back in."
    • On a Plumber's truck:
      "We repair what your husband fixed."
    • On a Plumber's truck:
      "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
    • Pizza Shop Slogan:
      "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
    • At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
      "Invite us to your next blowout."
    • On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
      "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
    • At a Towing company:
      "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
    • On an Electrician's truck:
      "Let us remove your shorts."
    • In a Nonsmoking Area:
      "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
    • On a Maternity Room door:
      "Push. Push. Push."
    • At an Optometrist's Office
      "If you don't see what you 're looking for, you've come to the right place."
    • On a Taxidermist's window:
      "We really know our stuff."
    • On a Fence:
      "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
    • At a Car Dealership:
      "The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment."
    • Outside a Muffler Shop:
      "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
    • In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
      "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
    • At the Electric Company:
      "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
    • In a Restaurant window:
      "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
    • In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
      "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
    • At a Propane Filling Station,
      "Thank heaven for little grills."
    • And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
      "Best place in town to take a leak."

  182. 'Genius' Editors

    It appears we have appointed our worst generals to command forces, and our most gifted and brilliant to edit newspapers! In fact, I have discovered that by reading newspapers that these editor/geniuses plainly saw all my strategic defects from the start, yet failed to inform me until it was too late.

    Accordingly, I'm readily willing to yield my command to the obviously superior intellects, and I'll, in turn, do my best for the Cause of Writing Editorials — after the fact. (Robert E. Lee, 1863)

  183. Facts to Ponder

    (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
    (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians Per year are 120,000.
    (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
    Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services.

    Now think about this: Guns:
    (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
    (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
    (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
    Statistics courtesy of FBI.

    So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

    Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

    FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

    Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

    Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

  184. Maxine's Living Will

    I, Maxine, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers, doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

    If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: Glass of wine, chocolate, Margarita, chocolate, Martini, Cold Beer, chocolate, Chicken fried steak, cream gravy, chocolate, Mexican food, chocolate, French fries, chocolate, Pizza, chocolate, ice cream, cup of tea, chocolate, Chocolate, Sex, or Chocolate, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

  185. My Dad Is a Father

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
    The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
    The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
    The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
    The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your Collar."

  186. I'm Thankful

    There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt....
  187. Subject: Tick Warning

    I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but I've even done it myself a couple times...
    This one is real, though, and it's important...I've checked it out at www.snopes.com.
    So please, send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

    Should someone come to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and ask you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
    DO NOT DO IT!!
    IT IS A SCAM!!
    They only want to see you naked!!!

    (Sure wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid!)

  188. Summary of My Last Year on the Computer

    I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

    • Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
    • I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
    • I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
    • I no longer worry about my soul because I have hundreds of angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
    • I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
    • I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
    • Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
    • Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
    • I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
    • I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
    • I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
    • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
    • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
    • I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
    • I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
    • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
    • I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
    • I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
    • Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
    • Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
    • And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
    • Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

    I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in— law's second husband's cousin's beautician....

  189. (EMAIL)It's too late.

    A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

  190. How to Get a life

    Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.

    Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

    • Life is not fair — get used to it!
    • The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
    • You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
    • If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
    • Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
    • If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
    • Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
    • Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
    • Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
    • Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
    • Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

  191. The Truth About Taxes

    Tax his land,
    Tax his bed,
    Tax the table
    At which he's fed.

    Tax his tractor,
    Tax his mule,
    Teach him taxes
    Are the rule.

    Tax his cow,
    Tax his goat,
    Tax his pants,
    Tax his coat.

    Tax his ties,
    Tax his shirt,
    Tax his work,
    Tax his dirt.

    Tax his tobacco,
    Tax his drink,
    Tax him if he
    Tries to think.

    Tax his cigars,
    Tax his beers,
    If he cries, then
    Tax his tears.

    Tax his car,
    Tax his gas,
    Find other ways
    To tax his ass

    Tax all he has
    Then let him know
    That you won't be done
    Till he has no dough.

    When he screams and hollers,
    Then tax him some more,
    Tax him till
    He's good and sore.

    Then tax his coffin,
    Tax his grave,
    Tax the sod in
    Which he's laid.

    Put these words
    upon his tomb,
    "Taxes drove me
    to my doom..."

    When he's gone,
    Do not relax,
    Its time to apply
    The inheritance tax.


    Accounts Receivable Tax
    Building Permit Tax
    CDL license Tax
    Cigarette Tax
    Corporate Income Tax
    Dog License Tax
    Federal Income Tax
    Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
    Fishing License Tax
    Food License Tax,
    Fuel permit tax
    Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon & more)
    Hunting License Tax
    Inheritance Tax
    Interest expense
    Inventory tax
    IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
    Liquor Tax
    Luxury Taxes
    Marriage License Tax
    Medicare Tax
    Property Tax
    Real Estate Tax
    Service charge taxes
    Social Security Tax
    Road usage taxes
    Sales Tax
    Recreational Vehicle Tax
    School Tax
    State Income Tax
    State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
    Telephone federal excise tax
    Telephone federal universal service fee tax
    Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
    Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
    Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
    Telephone state and local tax
    Telephone usage charge tax
    Utility Taxes
    Vehicle License Registration Tax
    Vehicle Sales Tax
    Watercraft registration Tax
    Well Permit Tax
    Workers Compensation Tax

    COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

    What happened?

    And I still have to "press 1" for English

  192. Sobering Statistics About the Book Industry
    • Each year, there are 172,000 new books published in the United States.
    • Of the 172,000, only 1,000 books sell more than 50,000 copies in retail channels
    • Less than 25,000 sell more than 5,000 copies
    • 93% of books published (160,000) sell less than 1,000 copies
    • According to one source, there are also over 200,000 books published in the United Kingdom each year. That's nearly 400,000 books published each year in just the US and the UK.

    Sobering statistics for anyone who is (or wants to be) an author.
  193. A Hell of an Answer

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being — which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting "Oh my God."

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

  194. Fairy Tale

    Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
    The guy said, "No"
    ... and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.
    The End
  195. Living Wills

    While I was watching the NFL playoff games one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
  196. YEP, THINGS ARE WAY OUT OF CONTROL HERE IN THE GOOD USA

    Try Doing This...

    1. Try driving around as a Gringo in Mexico with no liability insurance...and have an accident...
    2. Enter MEXICO illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.
    3. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.
    4. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
    5. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
    6. Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand, pal."
    7. Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
    8. Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.
    9. Insist that all products' labels, owners manuals, instructions, etc., be written in English as well as Spanish.
    10. Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
    11. Demand a local Mexican drivers license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal presence in Mexico.
    12. Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
    Good luck! Because it will never happen. It will not happen in Mexico or any other country in the world, except right here in the United States...Land of the naive!

    Words of Wisdom: "Support the country you live in... or live in the country you support"


  197. A Few Collectables on Aging
    • Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
    • Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
    • Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
    • It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
    • Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
    • Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

  198. Men's Rules

    We always hear "the rules"
    From the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

    1. Men ARE not mind readers.
    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    Or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.
    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    1. Crying is blackmail.
    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!
    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem.. See a doctor.
    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.
    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    1. You can either ask us to do something
    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    Or golf.
    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

  199. Ramblings of a Retired Mind — Some thoughts...
    • I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
    • You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
    • I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
    • I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
    • I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
    • I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
    • I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
    • Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
    • Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do — write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
    • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
      As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

  200. Railroad

    Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...?
    The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

    Why was that gauge used?
    Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

    Why did the English build them like that?
    Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

    Why did "they" use that gauge then?
    Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

    Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
    Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

    So who built those old rutted roads?
    Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

    And the ruts in the roads?
    Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
    The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

    So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

    Now the twist to the story...
    When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

    The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
    So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

    And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important ??

  201. Meeting of Minds

    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

    Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other, we both took cover in the ditches alongside the road".

    I yelled to him that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag", and he yelled back that "Senator Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk.."

    So I said that "Osama bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"

    He retaliated by saying "Oh Yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton."

    "We were standing there in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

  202. Psychopath test

    Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the Bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

    A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did Not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her Dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed Her sister.

    Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
    [Give this some thought before you answer,
    See answer below]

    Answer:

    She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
    Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

    If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

  203. Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets
    1. The pets live here. You don't.
    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
      (That's why it's call "fur"niture.)
    3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are adopted sons/daughters who happen to be hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
    4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
      they don't ask for money all the time
      they are easier to train
      they usually come when called
      they don't hang out with drug-using friends
      they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education, and -
      if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

  204. Pun Intended...
    • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
    • Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
    • Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
      I don't believe you," says Dolly.
      "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
    • Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
    • Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

  205. The year is 1905. One hundred years ago!

    What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1905:

    • The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
    • Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
    • Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
    • A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
    • There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
    • The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
    • Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.
    • With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
    • The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
    • The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
    • The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
    • More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
    • Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.
      Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
    • Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
    • Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
    • Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
      1. Pneumonia and Influenza
      2. Tuberculosis
      3. Diarrhea
      4. Heart disease
      5. Stroke
    • The American flag had 45 stars.
      Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
    • The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!
    • Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
    • There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
    • Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
    • Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
    • Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores!
    • Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
    • There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

    And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. It staggers the mind!

  206. One Liners from Ronald Reagan
    • Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.
    • The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
    • The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.
    • Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.
    • I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.
    • The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.
    • Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
    • The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.
    • I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.
    • It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
    • Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
    • Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.
    • No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.
    • If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.

  207. California Progress

    In 1850 California became a state. Do you know what California was like back in 1850?

    • The State had no electricity.
    • The State had no money.
    • Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
    • There were gun fights in the streets.

    So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts.

  208. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
    • DORMITORY:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      DIRTY ROOM
    • PRESBYTERIAN:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      BEST IN PRAYER
    • DESPERATION:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      A ROPE ENDS IT
    • GEORGE BUSH:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      HE BUGS GORE
    • THE MORSE CODE:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      HERE COME DOTS
    • SLOT MACHINES:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      CASH LOST IN ME
    • ANIMOSITY:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      IS NO AMITY
    • MOTHER-IN-LAW:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      WOMAN HITLER
    • SNOOZE ALARMS:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
    • A DECIMAL POINT:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      IM A DOT IN PLACE
    • THE EARTHQUAKES:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      THAT QUEER SHAKE
    • ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
      When you rearrange the letters:
      TWELVE PLUS ONE (this is a doozy)
    AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
    PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
    When you rearrange the letters
    (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
    TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

    Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

  209. Quotes about government sent by my nephew:
    • A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. (G. Gordon Liddy)
    • A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. (George Bernard Shaw)
    • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. (Douglas Casey)
    • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. (P.J. O'Rourke)
    • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. (Frederic Bastiat)
    • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the acts. (Will Rogers)
    • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. (P.J. O'Rourke)
    • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. (Pericles)
    • No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. (Twain)
    • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. (Mark Twain)
    • The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. (Winston Churchill)
    • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. (Mark Twain)
    • We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. (Winston Churchill)
    • What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. (Edward Langley)

  210. Cat Rules
    1. The cat is not allowed in the house.
    2. Okay, the cat is allowed in the house but only in certain rooms.
    3. The cat is allowed in all rooms but has to stay off the furniture.
    4. The cat can get on the old furniture only.
    5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture but is not allowed in the bed with humans.
    6. Okay, the cat is allowed in the bed but only by invitation.
    7. The cat can sleep in the bed but not under the covers.
    8. Fine, the cat can sleep under the covers, but by invitation only.
    9. The cat can sleep under the covers every night.
    10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the cat.

  211. Jewish Zen
    • Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated, already?
    • Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage, another story.
    • Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes!
    • Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
    • There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
    • The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
    • Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders!
    • To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking??
    • Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
    • If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
    • Be aware of your perceptions. Be aware of your body. But not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
    • To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
    • The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
    • Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

  212. Lemons? Lemonade? right on

    Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
    A week later Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
    Jennifer gently told her mother, "Dad's new wife bought the exact same dress for the wedding." Hearing that her mother graciously said, "Never mind, Sweetheart. I'll just get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
    A few days later they went shopping together and the mother did indeed find another gorgeous dress.
    During their break for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Mom, are you going to return the other dress? After all, you really don't have another occasion to attend when you could wear it."
    Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do dear, I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

  213. Did You Know...
    • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
      (Hardly seems worth it.)
    • If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
      (Now that's more like it!)
    • The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
      (O.M.G.!)
    • A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
      (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
    • A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
      (I'm still not over the pig.)
    • Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
      (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
    • The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
      ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
    • The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
      (30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)
    • The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
      (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
    • Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
      (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
    • Butterflies taste with their feet.
      (Something I always wanted to know.)
    • The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
      (Hmmmmmm....)
    • Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
      (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
    • Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
      (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
    • A cat's urine glows under a black light.
      (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
    • An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
      (I know some people like that.)
    • Starfish have no brains.
      (I know some people like that too.)
    • Polar bears are left-handed.
      (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
    • Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
      (What about that pig??)
  214. Collectibles
    • I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. (Roseanne Barr)
    • My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. (Erma Bombeck)

  215. Airline Announcements

    All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    • On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
    • On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, "Your oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
      If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
      If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
    • Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."
    • "Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
    • "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
    • "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
    • And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
      Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
    • Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
    • An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."
      He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
      She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
      "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
      The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
    • Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
    • Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
    • A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MYGOD!"
      Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
      A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

  216. 21st Century Teaching

    Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and T-shirt messages.

    I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how t o balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job.

    I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

    I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time summer and evenings at my own expense toward advance certification and a master's degree; and after school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my employment status.

    I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and to my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student.

    I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions.

    I am to make sure all students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. Plus, I am expected to make sure that all of the students with handicaps are guaranteed a free and equal education, regardless of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter and grade card.

    I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile, all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all? And you want me to do all of this and expect me...

    NOT TO PRAY?

    Carolyn's note: Whether prayers are whispered silently,only for the ears of God or shouted from the rooftops, I know that the best teachers always surround themselves in prayer before they ever take on such great responsibilities. I applaud all teachers. There is no job more noble than theirs.

  217. A Few of my Favorite Things

    Maalox and nose drops and needles for knittn'.
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's,
    Bundles of magazines tied up with string.
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cedillas, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
    Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts, and porches with swings.
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak, when the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    Then I remember my favorite things
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food nor food cook'd with onions
    Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring.
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin'.
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'.
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames
    When wwe remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim.
    Then I remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.
  218. We're a funny people

    We're a funny people
    From our heads down to our toes.
    Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry.
    It's our nature, I suppose.

    I love to laugh, it makes me cry.
    Now isn't that on odd one?
    To laugh so hard your stomach aches
    Would anyone call that fun?

    My sisters three, we laugh like that
    When ere we get together.
    Some little thing will set us off.
    It could be just the weather.

    We sit and laugh until we shake
    You'd think that we'd gone crazy.
    Our voices crack, words will not come
    The brains we have are hazy.

    The tears run down, we gasp for breath.
    It's such a funny feeling.
    You'd laugh to see us in this state.
    The world around seems reeling.

    If you think that this sounds funny,
    Try it out yourself some day.
    Get together with those you love,
    Laugh and cry your blues away.

    Fae Noel
    5/22/82

  219. SPEAKING OF LAUGHING. Some more pilot funnies
    • You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3, said test pilot Paul F. Crickmore.
    • The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
    • As the carrier sailors say, there are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
    • When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
    • Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
    • What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
      If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the same thing happens.
    • Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
    • Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

     
  220. NEW WORDS FOR 2004

    Essential addition for the workplace...

    • BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
    • SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
    • ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
    • SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end....
    • CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
    • PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and peoples' heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
    • MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
    • SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
    • STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
    • SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
    • XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
    • IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
    • PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
    • ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
    • 404: Someone who's clueless. (From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.)
    • GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions...
    • OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
    • WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks

  221. About Growing Older... (Will Rogers)

    First — Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
    Second — The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
    Third — Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
    Fourth — When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
    Fifth — You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
    Sixth — I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
    Seventh — One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
    Eighth — One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
    Ninth — Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
    Tenth — If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

  222. What is Love?
    • When my Grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over to paint her toenails anymore. So my Grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. Now that's love.
      Rebecca — age 8
    • When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.
      Billy — age 4
    • Love is when a girl puts on perfume, and a boy puts on shaving cologne, and they go out and smell each other.
      Kari — age 5
    • Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs.
      Chrissy — age 6
    • Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
      Terri — age 4
    • Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
      Danny — age 7
    • Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
      Emily — age 8
    • Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
      Bobby — age 7 (Wow!)
    • If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
      Nilla — age 6
    • Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
      Noelle — age 7
    • Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
      Tommy — age 6
    • During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
      He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
      Cindy — age 8
    • My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
      Clare — age 6
    • Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
      Elaine — age 5
    • Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
      Chris — age 7
    • Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
      Mary Ann — age 4
    • When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
      Karen — age 7
    • You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
      Jessica — age 8

    This was my favorite of all the answers, it came from a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to their neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

  223. Assorted "Good 'uns" sent from Lynn.
    • A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
    • While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
      The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
    • People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
    • Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
      There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!" And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning!"
    • A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
      His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
      The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father.
      "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
      "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

  224. Expand Your Vocabulary
    1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
    2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
    3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
    4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
    5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
    7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
    9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
    10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
    11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
    12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
    13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
    15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
    16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

      And the pick of the literature:
    17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass.
  225. "Bounce" This! I checked this out ... it's really true!

    And all this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!

    • It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice: spread them around foundation areas, or in trailers or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
    • It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.
    • Repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.
    • Eliminates static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
    • Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
    • Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
    • Freshen the air in your home. Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.
    • Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
    • Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.
    • Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.
    • Freshen the air in your car. Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.
    • Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food.
    • Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.
    • Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
    • Eliminate static electricity from venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
    • Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
    • Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
    • Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
    • Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
    • Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. Keeps them smelling fresh.

  226. Original Hollywood Squares:

    If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

      Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
      A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

      Q. Do female frogs croak?
      A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

      Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
      A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

      Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
      A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

      Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
      A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

      Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
      A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

      Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
      A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

      Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
      A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

      Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
      A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

      Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
      A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

      Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
      A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

      Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
      A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

      Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
      A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

      Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
      A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

      Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
      A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

      Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
      A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

      Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
      A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

      Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
      A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

      Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
      A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

      Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
      A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

      Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
      A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

      Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
      A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

      Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
      A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

      Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
      A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

      Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
      A. Charley Weaver: His feet

      Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
      A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

  227. Did you ever wonder?
    • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
    • Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its ass."
    • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
    • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
    • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
    • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
    • Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is?
    • If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
    • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
    • If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    • Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
    • Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
    • Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
    • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
    • Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

  228. Issues
    Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a U.S. radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a U.S. resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's informative:

    Dear Dr. Laura:

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

    When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

    End of debate.

    I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

    1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord — Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness — Lev.15:19— 24. The problem is, how doI tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
    4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
    5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination — Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? — Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)?

    I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    Your Devoted Fan,

    Jim

  229. With Words...

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
    • On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
      (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
    • On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
      (the shoplifter special)?
    • On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
      (and that would be how???....)
    • On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
      (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
    • On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
      (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
    • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
      (...and you thought????...)
    • On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
      (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
    • On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
      (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
    • On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
      (and...I'm taking this because???....)
    • On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
      (as opposed to...what)?
    • On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
      (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
    • On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
      (talk about a news flash)
    • On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
      (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
    • On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
      (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
    • On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
      (Oh my God ...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

  230. With Words...
    • A backward poet writes inverse.
    • A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    • Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.
    • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
    • A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
    • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    • Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
    • Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
    • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    • Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
    • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
    • A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
    • What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
    • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    • In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
    • She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
    • A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    • If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
    • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
    • The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    • You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    • Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
    • He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
    • Every calendar's days are numbered.
    • A lot of money is tainted — It taint yours and it taint mine.
    • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    • He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
    • A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
    • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
    • Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
    • Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
    • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
    • Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    • Acupuncture is a jab well done.
    • Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

  231. Eternal Truths
    • Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
    • If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
    • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
    • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
    • Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
    • If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
    • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
    • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
    • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    • Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me...you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

  232. The Differences in Football in the North and South...

    On Women's Accessories (for a game):

    North: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
    South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary — that's what dates are for.

    On Their Stadium Size:

    North: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
    South: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

    On Fathers:

    North: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
    South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

    On Campus Decor:

    North: Statues of founding fathers.
    South: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

    On Their Homecoming Queen:

    North: Also a physics major.
    South: Also Miss America.

    On Heroes:

    North: Rudy Guliani
    South: Paul "Bear" Bryant

    On Getting Tickets:

    North: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office and purchase tickets.
    South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.

    On Friday Classes after Thursday Night's Game:

    North: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
    South: Teachers cancel Friday classes because why on earth would anyone schedule a class after the game.

    On Parking:

    North: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
    South: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

    On Game Day:

    North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPNon TV.
    South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

    On Tailgating:

    North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
    South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Hootie and the Blowfish," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

    On Getting to the Stadium:

    North: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
    South: When you're near it, you'll hear it.On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

    On Concessions:

    North: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
    South: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

    On When the National Anthem is Played:

    North: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
    South: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

    On the Scent in the Air After the First Home Team Scores:

    North: Nothing changes.
    South: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

    On the Commentary (Male):

    North: "Nice play."
    South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs."

    On the Commentary (Female):

    North: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
    South: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs."

    The Announcers:

    North: Neutral and paid.
    South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

    and After the Game:

    North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
    South: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week's game.

  233. Dangerfield's Best One Liners
    1. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
    2. I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
    3. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
    4. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
    5. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
    6. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
    7. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
    8. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
    9. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times — three of those times I was reading it.
    10. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

  234. The Year's Best (actual) Headlines of 2002
    • Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
    • "Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash," Expert Says.
    • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    • Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    • Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    • Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    • Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    • Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    • War Dims Hope for Peace
    • If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
    • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    • Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
    • Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    • Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    • Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
    • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    • Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors

  235. A Golfer's Wisdom...
    • When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. (Author Unknown)
    • I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. (Author Unknown)
    • I've spent most of my life golfing. the rest I've just wasted. (Author Unknown)
    • They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. (Raymond Floyd
    • Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. (Jim Bishop
    • It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. (Hank Aaron)
    • Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five (Paul Harvey
    • Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. (Jack Benny)
    • Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. (Chuck Hogan)
    • It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. (Mark Twain)
    • Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. (Woodrow Wilson)
    • Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. (Jimmy DeMaret)
    • If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. (Author Unknown)
    • Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. (Author Unknown)

  236. Why Men are Just Happier People...

    What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

    • Your last name stays put.
    • The garage is all yours.
    • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
    • Chocolate is just another snack.
    • You can be president.
    • You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
    • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
    • The world is your urinal.
    • You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
    • Same work, more pay.
    • Wrinkles add character.
    • Wedding dress — $5000; tux rental — $100.
    • People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
    • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
    • New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
    • One mood, ALL the time.
    • Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
    • You know stuff about tanks.
    • A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
    • You can open all your own jars.
    • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
    • If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend..
    • Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
    • Everything on your face stays its original color.
    • Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
    • You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
    • You almost never have strap problems in public.
    • You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
    • The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
    • You don't have to shave below your neck.
    • Your belly usually hides your big hips.
    • One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
    • You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
    • You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
    • You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

  237. Words
    1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
    3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
    5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
    8. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
    9. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
    10. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
    11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
    12. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
    13. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
    14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

  238. Country Music Song Titles
    • Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
    • Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
    • I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
    • I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
    • I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
    • If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
    • If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
    • If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
    • Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
    • My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
    • They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out

  239. The Mental Patient

    Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
    "The medical director learned of Mary's heroic act. He immediately wrote orders for her discharge from the hospital. He considered her mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news. He said,
    "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're going to be discharged.
    "You jumped into the pool and saved the life of another patient. I believe you've regained your full mental capacity and are able to function normally in society.
    "Here are your discharge papers.
    "The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved,hung himself in the bathroom with the belt to his bathrobe.
    "I am so sorry, but he's dead."
    "Mary replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry."

  240. Signs of Our Times

    I may be dumb, but the guys who wrote these product warning signs....

    • "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
    • On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
    • "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."
    • On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
    • On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock):
      "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."
  241. A Few Punnies
    • Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
    • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
    • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
    • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
    • A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
    • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to lose. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
    • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ... what?
      (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...)
      A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  242. 25 Things You Should have Learned by Middle Age:
    1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
    2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
    3. Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
    5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
    7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
    8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
    9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
    10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
    11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
    12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
    13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
    14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
    15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
    16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
    17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
    18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
    19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
    20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
    21. Experience is a wonderful thing.It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
    22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
    23. Thou shalt not be angry with or yell at the other drivers who are ahead of you when you were the one who left the house late!
    24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
    25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

  243. Acts of God
    The preacher's wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
    After six children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
    There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
    Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
  244. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
    George Bush We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
    Al Gore I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
    Bill Gates I have just released chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook — and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of chicken.
    Dr. Sues Did the chicken cross the road?
    Did he cross it with a toad?
    Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
    But why it crossed, I've not been told!
    Ernest Hemingway To die. In the rain. Alone.
    Grandpa In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
    Ralph Nader The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV
    Jerry Seinfeld Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
    Rush Limbaugh I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
    Jerry Falwell Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it — the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
    Aristotle It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
    Karl Marx It was a historical inevitability.
    Saddam Hussein This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
    Voltaire I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
    Captain Kirk To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
    Albert Einstein Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
    Sigmund Freud The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity
    L.A.P.D. Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

  245. Double Entendre
    1. A good pun is its own reword.
    2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
    3. Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
    4. Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
    5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
    6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
    7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
    9. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
    10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    11. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
    12. Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
    13. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
    14. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
    15. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
    16. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    17. A backward poet writes inverse.
    18. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
    19. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
    20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
    21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
    22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    23. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
    24. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
    25. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
    26. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
    27. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    28. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
    29. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
    30. Every calendar's days are numbered.
    31. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
    32. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
    33. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
    34. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
    35. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    36. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
    37. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
    38. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
    39. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
    40. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
    41. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    42. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
    43. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
    44. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
    45. A young butcher backed into the slicing machine — he got a bit behind in his work.

  246. SUCCESS:
    • At age 4 success is ... .not peeing in your pants.
    • At age 12 success is ... having friends.
    • At age 16 success is ... having a drivers license.
    • At age 20 success is ... having sex.
    • At age 35 success is ... having money.
    • At age 50 success is ... having money.
    • At age 60 success is ... having sex.
    • At age 70 success is ... having a drivers license.
    • At age 75 success is ... having friends.
    • At age 80 success is ... not peeing in your pants.

  247. Differences in Men and Women
    EATING OUT:When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
    When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
    MONEY:A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
    BATHROOMS:A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
    The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
    ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    CATS:Women love cats.
    Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
    The FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
    SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
    DRESSING UP:A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
    A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
    NATURALLY:Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
    OFFSPRING:Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
    THOUGHT
    FOR THE DAY:
    Any married man should forget his mistakes.
    There's no use for two people remembering the same thing.

  248. French Mustard

    The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
    We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.
  249. Think you know everything, huh?
    1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
    2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
    3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
    4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
    5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
    6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
    7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
    8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
    9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
    10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
    11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,or silver.
    12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
    13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
    14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
    15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
    16. Maine is the only U.S. state whose name is just one syllable.
    17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
    18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
    19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
    20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
    21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
    22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
    23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
    24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
    25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
    26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
    27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
    28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
    29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
    30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
    31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
    32. Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister.
    33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
    34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
    35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

    Now you know everything....

  250. Funnier than a real blond joke

    One night during dinner Rae and I were watching some old game show bloopers. A contestant — a blonde gal — was asked by the emcee whether her husband would say he was rural or urban.

    "I don't even know what that means," the confused woman said.
    "Well," the emcee said, "You've lived with this guy. Would he say he was rural or urban."
    "He would say, 'urban.'" the woman said.
    The emcee (for whatever reason) asked, "How long has he been urban?"
    The woman said, "For about two months."
    "Well," the emcee asked, "Is he doing anything about it?"
    "Well," the woman said, "He went to a doctor."
    Of course the emcee was confused. "Did the doctor give him anything for it?"
    "No. But he gave me something."

    So who knows what was going through the poor woman's mind? But it really was hilarious. (And she was being serious as a judge, even though the crowd was dying, of course.)

  251. Sink or Swim?

    The Pope is visiting the White House and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac, sailing on "The Sequoia," the presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
    Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying, "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
    Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over, picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
    The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story with front page photos of the event. The banner headline reads, "Bush Can't Swim."

  252. How to be a good Liberal
    Date: Wednesday, 19 March 2003
    From: "awollett"

    This one gets the blue ribbon: as Shakespeare put it, "There is more truth said in jest than in truth" (just check the news media)!

    1. You have to believe that the aids virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
    2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders to read, is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
    3. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
    4. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
    5. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
    6. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
    7. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
    8. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
    9. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
    10. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
    11. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
    12. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
    13. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, but manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
    14. You have to believe that this note is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.

     
  253. Conservative vs. Liberal Decision Making

    The difference between the Liberal and Conservative "debate" over the War on Terrorism:

    Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

    Liberal Answer:
    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
    Does the man look poor or oppressed?
    Could he use the money I was selfishly planning on spending on our dinner tonight?
    Have I or my ancestors ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack?
    What do I need to say to reason with this clearly distressed man? Could we run away?
    Would it make me a "gender-racist" to make this decision unilaterally without input from my wife?
    What does my wife think? What about the kids?
    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
    What does the law say about this situation? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
    Am I placing my value system on him... am I profiling him or "pre-judging" his intent to harm us?
    If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
    This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends down at Starbucks over a cherry latte to try to come to a conclusion.

    Conservative Answer:
    BANG!

    Texan's Answer:
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (Sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
    Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
    Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"

  254. From Bosnia...

    A letter home from a Marine with the multinational force in Bosnia...

    Dear Dad,
    A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel (Bosnia):
    A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.
    I told him that it didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface, again, at some point in the near future anyway. I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of faggots for soldiers. I additionally told him that America, being a nation of deeds and action, not words, would do whatever it had to do, and France's support, if it ever came, was only for show anyway. Just like in ALL NATO exercises, the US would shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the support, as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX, and not the other way around.
    He began to get belligerent at that point, and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front of the entire Multi-National Brigade East, thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman.
    He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff. With friends like these, who needs enemies?
    Dad, tell Mom I love her,
    Your loving daughter, Mary Beth
    ( Johnson, Lt. Col., USMC)
  255. Words of Wisdom...
    1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
    2. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
    3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
    4. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
    5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
    6. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
    7. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
    8. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
    9. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
    10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    11. All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
      It pays no attention to criticism.

  256. Richard Lederer — Newspaper Bloopers

    A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes.
    When goofs pop off the page, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version:

    • IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
    • In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, William Bennett said, "It's a real us-and-them kind of thing," not, as we reported, "It's a real S&M kind of thing."
    • It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
    • The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be "There Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven."
    • There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
    • From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction — the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."
    • We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.
    • In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.
    • There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
    • Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent — that is, torn — not rented.
    • In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
    • Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.
    • Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
    • Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero.
    • In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
    • Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
    • In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeño peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeño peppers.
    • The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

  257. You'll feel smarter after you read these quotes
    • Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
      Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." (Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest)
    • "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." (Mariah Carey)
    • "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." (Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign)
    • "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward)
    • "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." (Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC)
    • "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." (A congressional candidate in Texas)
    • "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." (John Wayne)
    • "Half this game is ninety percent mental." (Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark)
    • "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." (Dan Quayle)
    • "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" (George Bush, US President)
    • "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" (Lee Iacocca)
    • "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." (Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony)
    • "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.)
    • "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." (Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor)
    • "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." (Keppel Enderbery)
    • "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." (Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina)
    • "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." (Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman)


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    last modified: Mon, July 9, 2007